I had a makeunder this year. Not quite a Charlize Theron, but pretty close. I lost a tooth.

Not a back tooth, unfortunately. A front-and-centre, Duelling Banjos tooth. More will follow. Sad but true.

I recently had a plate made, which clamps onto my mouth like some metal alien to protect the sensibilities of those who are uncomfortable with dental imperfection -“ a growing sector. To be honest I hate wearing the thing but I’ve discovered certain social settings are more gap-friendly than others (Manacle’s fine; they have qualms at Palms). Besides, bowing to peer pressure is the only exercise I get.

Nevertheless, I choose to believe my toothless appearance is both comical and pitiful, which is kind of endearing. It has also created an opportunity for evil satisfaction. Like outing my gap even if it makes people squirm. So in this spirit of honesty, I hope all you gappy people, closeted or not, will join me in this affirmation.

Think of the gap not as a loss, but as an opportunity for dramatic conversation.

I’ve concocted a few stories about the cause of the gap. My favourite is a gripping tale about a feral pack of trany hookers, with the tooth flying across Forbes St during a traumatic bitch-slapping assault. But you needn’t resort to such bullshit. Tales of an abusive ex-partner are probably better. Or just tell people you had it removed -“ it’s the new piercing!

Use the gap wisely.

The gap can be used to gain sympathy, but then so can an ill-advised tattoo. Your call.

When in doubt, whip it out.

Okay, sometimes you have to work with what you’ve got, especially when you’re trapped in an obnoxious social encounter. The look of horror on the face of some precious queen as you unexpectedly pull out your plate is priceless. Extra points if he has to leave your vicinity.

A tooth is just a gap you haven’t met yet.

Face it, more will fall out. So the only acting role you’ll ever get is Hillbilly’s Bitch #1. Big deal. Just remember, as Western culture is gradually overrun by the forces of cosmetic perfection, at least you look human.

And that’s something to smile about.

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