In with the new

As the old year slowly fades into the distance, I sit on the lounge, draped delicately, picking at a healthy fruit salad. Okay, it’s fruit and nut chocolate. I think it’s about time I really set some goals for 2007.

I saw 2006 off with a less than perfect start to 2007. Thinking I needed to bring myself up to speed with my computer, I recently bought a laptop. Being able to surf porn at a million miles an hour was super, and to use it for my article each week was good too.

However, some fabulous person decided my laptop wasn’t complete until it had a virus that basically ate up everything. Within seconds I was left with a blank bleeping screen, and my whole collection of tasteful naked men pictures was all gone.

I’m now forced to use my old PC, which resembles one of the early computers you used to see on Get Smart that filled up a room and wheels spun and whirled every time you wanted to add two numbers together.

So my first goal for 2007 is to stop associating with dickheads. We have all been a dickhead from time to time, and I have to admit it can be fun at times, but from here on in, out they go. And bloody stay away from my PC, you bastards!

The cusp of the New Year saw new life brought into the household. Being the mother of two cats, Georgie and Kakadu, is a hard job, but for the last four years I have struggled through.

You can imagine my utter surprise when I received a phone call from Vanity Faire: Georgie has had a kitten under my bed and then she ran away. Oh, and the afterbirth is on the power board and it’s still attached to it, which you have to clean. Panic mode set in straight away. What colour was it? Was I going to have an instant love? What was I going to call it?

After a quick emergency call to the vet, I was told I would have to feed it every two hours but to expect that it might die. So Vanity and I sat for a while trying to squeeze out some milk, but eventually we resigned ourselves to the fact maybe Courtney Act was right and we were two barren, dried-up old spinsters and would have had more chance getting milk out of a stone.

So I fashioned a bra with a nipple on it -“ well, six nipples to be exact -“ and semi-breastfed Megan Jet Faire-Shield every two hours before she passed away to a better place. I was considering a civil service and burial but decided it would be too emotional, so we threw her in the bin.

Goal Two is to be more loving to everyone, including boys. Being a mother for three days showed me I have so much love that sometimes it just oozes out of me. I aim to share that with everyone I can, especially boys. Have a happy 2007 -“ may it be bigger and better than 2006.