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I’ve been a full-time parent for two weeks and four days now, and I must say it’s hard work -“ especially negotiating the commercial channels between 9am and 5pm.

Who knew the rumours were true, and daytime TV was so unbelievably shit?

Having been gainfully employed for most of my adult life, and being one of those people that have taken most holidays away from home, I believed daytime television to be one of those things that people just complained about for the sake of it.

But it’s all so horribly true!

How’s this for crap beyond belief: The other morning I watched Bert Newton interview Tony Barber. That’s right, Tony Barber, the former host of Sale Of The Century.

For some reason, Bert kept calling Tony a silly old poof at the end of every sentence. Then Bert called himself a silly old poof as well, and then Tony Barber did a truly hideous song. Sheesh.

Thanks but no thanks, Bert, you may be a gay icon of some considerable, unexplainable standing, but the heterosexual community can keep both of you.

Not that I’ve just been sitting on my arse watching Bert Newton every day.

I’ve also changed nappies, hugged my beautiful son and beautiful girlfriend and drunk a lot of coffee at my local caf?in between Oprah‘s multiple Fat Fantasy specials and something called Ready Steady Cook, which is like the great Japanese cooking show Iron Chef without drugs.

I’ve also found time to develop personal relationships with all of my neighbours, a feat that has shown me how incredibly normal I am.

During my girlfriend’s pregnancy -“ as she got more and more obviously massive -“ we began to wonder what the residents of our inner-suburban street might think of our obviously live-in-fatherless family.

Then the plentiful baby-sized gifts started coming in from the Greek mother and daughter next door, as well as the totally random congratulations from people in the street.

Now, I can’t leave the house without giving a complete eating, sleeping and cuteness rundown to some neighbour whose name I can’t remember.

It’s so nice and so ordinary. Which, for me, entirely sums up my parenting experience so far.