The child’s story

I was four when my father came out to my mother and that’s when my parents separated. He was the most loving father anyone could ever have. He met this guy and told my mother he wanted a divorce.

I was very young and only vaguely remember my parents being together so I never knew anything different. My mother was awarded custody but only a few months later when I was in kindergarten my dad came and took us to Queensland without my mother’s permission.

Mum went though the courts but, because we were all set up, the courts awarded custody back to Dad. I always remember knowing about my father being gay. It’s as if we always knew about it.

My father had a partner for 11 years and we lived mostly in a country town in Queensland called Lowood. We spent a lot of time in Brisbane also because my father was associated with the Queensland AIDS Council and the Queensland Positive People group.

I had a very loving family with my two dads but it was quite hard at school. My father was a nurse, so he always looked after us. I wasn’t bullied at school because I kept it a secret. Dad never said to keep it a secret but I knew not to tell anyone. You knew that it wasn’t like other kids’ families.

Kids would say, Who is that other guy living with you? Is your mother dead? I was too scared to say anything. People in small towns have no idea. Kids would say things about gay people in a joking manner and it would affect me.

When I was 11 my dad had a bad car accident before Christmas. He was in hospital for two months. He was too sick to look after us so we went to live with my mum. My brother went back to Dad but I decided to stay. It was really hard because Dad was really upset. I use to get guilt trips but I always craved for my mother and for normality.

Dad was switched on in some ways. When I was in Year Eight, I went to stay with him for school holidays. I asked him to get me some razors at the shopping centre and he said, When did your mother let you start shaving your legs? and I was like, Dad, hello, I’m 13 years old. Then in other cases he was very out there with friends from all walks of life.

When I was 14 I found out that he had HIV. Dad had been arrested for dealing speed. It didn’t surprise me that he had HIV because of his involvement with QPP and QuAC. His partner had it as well and Dad was sentenced to six months in jail.

It was difficult and made me so angry. I didn’t speak to Dad for a long time after that. He went off the rails when he and his partner broke up but he was always the best and provided us with everything he could.

After he was released, he moved to the Sunshine Coast and I started seeing him again. I felt like he should have apologised for keeping secrets but he never did. My brother didn’t know anything at the time.

Just before my Year Twelve formal I found out that he had skin cancer. He had a lump under his arm, which was a second melanoma. He always used to say that he’d be alright and they would fix it. It wasn’t until the end of December that I got a phone call to go up and see him.

The HIV had turned into AIDS and because he had AIDS he couldn’t have chemotherapy. I was in the hospital with him when he died.

I can see that he really did do his best and he really loved us a lot. He did make some wrong decisions in order to protect us. It’s a big shock to find out that your parents are human and not superhuman. I love him so much and we thought he could do anything. RIP Kerry Shields.

Interview by Sunny Burns