Living in an androgynous world

As a lesbian who dresses like a teenage boy I occasionally get mistaken for one.

Case in point: I recently said a few words at my nan’s funeral on behalf of the grandkids reminiscing about all the naughty things we did growing up. My dad’s workmate who attended the funeral said he loved the speech “the young guy with the blue shirt and scraggy hair” gave. That being me.

As a 30-year-old woman with a distinctively high-pitched voice, the “young guy” remark was obviously due to the fact my balls haven’t dropped yet.

It’s hilarious how often boyish-looking girls cop this. One of my mates with short hair and broad shoulders told me how straight chicks constantly check out her boobs to confirm that she is in fact a lady.

But the best face-palm moments always happen in public toilets.

My buddy is used to being eyed suspiciously when entering the ladies’ room so she makes an effort to remove bulky jackets and stick out her chest to avoid any potentially awkward moments. It really sucks that many ‘butch’ girls feel the need to do this but a recent toilet expedition at the Opera House almost makes up for it.

My mate dashed into the loo before her show and was followed in by a guy so engrossed in his mobile phone conversation that he didn’t notice the triangular lady symbol on the door. Obviously talking about something very important, he still didn’t register that a room full of women with soapy hands were giving him death stares! The smell of perfume, as opposed to urinal cakes, must have tipped him off as the red-faced man silently retreated out the door.

Another friend had a ridiculous experience at an airport restroom when a lady, mistaking her for a male pervert, called security who waited outside the cubicle door. My friend clearly wasn’t the only one embarrassed by this cock-up. Pun-tastic indeed.

But you can’t blame people for making an honest mistake as we do live in a pretty androgynous world. I occasionally find myself checking out baby-dykes only to realise they’re teenage boys with asymmetrical hair. They’re probably thinking to themselves, “That young guy with the blue shirt and scraggy hair is such a fag”.

By MONIQUE SCHAFTER