When did you lose your virginity? I particularly like putting this question to lesbians because there’s rarely a straightforward answer.

If the boring definition of penis in vagina doesn’t apply, what does count as a first time? Many girls would say it’s about penetration, but if you think about it, that’s still a pretty heterosexist definition. Some chicks don’t like having anything up there, but still have a kickass time when the party’s outdoors.

Other ladies might say it was when a girl first went down on them, because for many of us, that’s the most “intimate” act — but in the straight world, folks are giving each other head waaay before they “do it”. Must admit, the logic of “saving yourself” in that sense does do my head in. Boom-tish.

I once had a girl say it’s not sex unless you cum — but by that reasoning, I’m sure many brides are still virgins the day after their wedding night.

I’ve heard other folks say it’s about the “occasion” — so going home after a romantic dinner, rolling around in bed naked and sipping lattes together the next morning counts. Being drunkenly fingered in a nightclub loo doesn’t.

I’ve often wondered about mutual enjoyment too — if one girl gets all the attention did both chicks have sex? Or are you a virgin until the favour is returned?

See what I mean? It’s a virginity minefield!

When asked this question, I generally give two answers. I say I lost my “straight” virginity when I was 18 with my karate instructor — a sweet boy I had stacks of fun hitting, even though we didn’t really hit it off — a few years before I saw the light. And I lost my lesbian virginity when I was 21 with a girl who seduced me at a drag king night — as it goes.

Both acts were semi-naked, horizontal and mutual, but as far as I was concerned, without fireworks, mostly likely due to nerves, lack of familiarity with each other’s bodies, my blood alcohol reading at the time, and in the first encounter, the fact that it was a dude.

But they were exploratory and educational — even if the second experience increased my appetite to learn a little more than the first.

So when did you lose your virginity? Please, take your time.

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