The march of a matriarch

As the public face of parents with gay and lesbian children in Australia, Shelley Argent has long been seen as a bastion of unconditional love.

Just speaking to her about the many battles she’s waged for gay rights during the past 13 years, her devotion to her son James, channelled through her enthusiasm for the cause, is resoundingly obvious.

It feels the perfect time to interview Argent in a broader sense, rather than on a specific issue, because of the crescendo that rights reform seems to be reaching in this country.

There’s an overwhelming sense of momentum out there amongst the gay and lesbian community — and in the offices of our various lobbies and media outlets — towards this most substantial nail in the coffin of discrimination.

Argent feels it too.

“When we first ventured to Canberra on the issue of marriage equality, we were laughed at,” she said.

“It was almost like we getting a pat on the head and being told ‘Oh, you’re good mothers but hell will freeze over before marriage equality is in our platform and we will never get a conscience vote while [Prime Minister] Julia [Gillard] is in power.

“Now [Opposition leader] Tony Abbott is weakening and I should think that if he wants to become prime minister — and God hope he doesn’t — that he’ll at least be democratic enough to allow a conscience vote even if he’s against it.”

“When they told me I was chief of parade I wasn’t quite sure what that involved, but when I realised it meant actually leading the procession I was so excited,” Argent said.

That fighting spirit leaves no doubt about why Australia’s gay Gaia will this year be Sydney Mardi Gras’ chief of parade. But it says plenty about her standing within the community that we chose this true champion of our cause over the many high-profile celebrities taking part in this year’s festival.

And what a wonderful signifier for a parade currently plagued by criticism of its relevance that it isn’t quite done fighting on our long road to equality.

“When they told me I was chief of parade I wasn’t quite sure what that involved, but when I realised it meant actually leading the procession I was so excited,” Argent said.

“To me it’s the ultimate honour from the gay community.”

Argent will be joined by James and her husband Don on the lead float, followed closely by members of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), the organisation to which Argent has dedicated more than a decade.

“When James came out I was absolutely terrified that he’d suffer all the discrimination and the ostracisms. I was concerned about his journey, not mine,” she explained.

“So I jumped in the deep end and started working with the AIDS Council and they’d put calls from parents of gay kids through to me because I was in the same boat, and I realised we really needed a group for parents, which is when someone told me about PFLAG.”

Argent took the reins of the Brisbane chapter of the organisation shortly after, only dreaming of the kind of exposure the support group knows nationally today.

“I used to think, if only I could get access to the politicians, if only I could get on the telly so that I could spread the word that to have gay children or to be gay is OK, it’s not a big deal,” she said.

“PFLAG gave me the title and it gave the appearance that there was a whole group of us, when it was really only me at the time.”

Brisbane PFLAG now has a solid base of parents involved and Argent, now national PFLAG spokeswoman, has quickly found a platform giving her the ability and credibility she needs to speak for parents of gay or lesbian children.

Her experiences spawned a book, a profile on the ABC’s Australian Story program and, last year, recognition as Queensland’s Senior Australian of the Year.

“If I could have planned my life or thought of what my life might be, I never would have dreamt that I’d be doing all this, but it’s a good thing and one of the lovely advantages of having a gay son,” she said.

Argent and Australian Marriage Equality’s Alex Greenwich will embark on a national tour next month, holding workshops that will advise people on writing submissions for the upcoming Senate inquiry on marriage equality.

This is a big problem for the gay community, they get involved politically but won’t ask their parents or friends. They need the confidence to ask people and give them the tools to help make an impact.

Greenwich, like many lobbying on behalf of the community, has nothing but praise for Argent’s work.

“I have seen firsthand the powerful and positive impact Shelley’s advocacy has had on parliamentary decision makers,” he said.

“She has also inspired and encouraged parents across Australia to stand up for the equal treatment of everyone in their family.”

Argent sees next month’s tour as among her most important work.

“This is a big problem for the gay community, they get involved politically but won’t ask their parents or friends. They need the confidence to ask people and give them the tools to help make an impact,” she said.

“We’ve got this far, we need to keep on pushing and we need to use every minute.

“If [gay marriage] doesn’t come in, I want to know in my own heart that I have done everything possible to try and see it through.”

Argent said that after all these years she still has very simple advice for parents having difficulty coming to terms with their child’s sexuality.

“If you’re struggling, don’t just sit there and do nothing. Get out there and look for information — ask questions and get answers, talk to your children and just take in what they have to say,” she said.

“I told [James] never to apologise and never to take a step back because he was gay. I knew he had done nothing wrong and wanted him to know we knew that.”