I feel so used and pathetic and gay. He was nt cumn near me cos he LIKED me he was cumn near me COS HE LIKED MAI FWEND!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE!!!!!1 Its neva me. NEVA EVA ME! IM SO GAY!

I found my high school diary today and apart from being politically incorrect (or eerily accurate), it is—as one would expect—utterly ridiculous.

Uh, can’t think of anything to write besides LIFE SUCKS BIG TIME.

The little green exercise book labelled CONFIDENTIAL! PRIVATE! DON’T TOUCH! NOT FOR YOUR EYES! LEAVE THIS NOW! WALK AWAY reads like a Spanish-language soap opera in that it is 88 pages of sheer melodrama.

I think it needs to be pointed out that im 17 and NEVER BEEN KISSED!!! That is so pathetic, im going to die soon and I haven’t even done that! Am I so ugly, so strange, so horrible? I just don’t get it. (Yes, Zo, you are strange because on page 48 you workshop several different inscriptions you’d like considered for your tombstone including the nauseating, She aimed for beyond the stars…and got there. Why, Zo? Why?)  

The writing, of course, is terrible. My heart hurts real bad. Not as in ow! Ow! But it feels heavy in the chest. And often it makes no sense. Need to tone up. Thighs, belly, arms are so flabby. Wish it were the 90s.

Also, it is so cliché that in many ways it rings false. I feel like crying. I hate my mum so much! (Sorry, mum!)

Spanning six years, my diary features all the First World problems of a privileged teenager who doesn’t know they’re privileged from restrictive parents and disagreeable teachers to body issues and friendship dramas.

I have never felt so insulted in my entire life! I spent $36 dollars on you! $36 buying you your fav CD and Playboy slippers and all you got me was a $5 child’s make-up set from Priceline! Then you have the audacity to say we’re best friends. I don’t even wear make-up and even if I did, who the hell wears green, purple and yellow!!!

But mostly it’s about boys. Gay boys to be precise.

Sayid gave me a lift home today! Omg I can’t breathe! And he taped The OC for me. Im going crazy!!! Does he like me? Nah hes just being nice. Omgsh I am so in love! What is one to do?

Truly, what IS one to do? I was masturbating to The L Word by night and envisioning a future with the gay candy bar attendant by day.

This was after the crush on my gay best friend but before my gay boyfriend. It was a very confusing time.

Now I’d like to say a lot has changed since my teenage years but in an entry titled, ‘MY FIRST DANCE WITH A BOY’, it would appear not.

He clasped his hands behind mai back. So I readjusted my arms around his shoulders and sorta pushed them further along. Only now im thinking shld I have clasped them behind his neck?

Yes, I’m still just as neurotic as I was at 15.

But without a doubt, my favourite entry (and this is by far the gayest shit in my diary) is a letter I’d written to a female classmate after spending the day with her in what can only be described as a sort of commemorative celebration of having just dubbed each other “best friends” (if that’s not some Oprah/Gale shit right there…).

Decorated with red hearts and—I kid you not—a rainbow, it reads: Dearest my Official Bf, ___, I cannot begin to explain how much this day meant to me. I’m so proud to have you as my bf! Today, “our day” was terrific, one of the best days ever!!! We just have such a connection that its so amazing. I just wish our 2½ hours didn’t have to end. It was way too rushed! I love you so much, I really, really want us to be bf forever. It’s so fantastic. Thank you again. My fav part of the day was swapping our bf certificates at Myers over our chocolate milk and focaccias. It was so0o0o0o special. Just our moment, and the way we liked and disliked all the same stuff at Highpoint. Going to Collins bookstore, the games and those Asians lol [I don’t know what this is a reference to but it sounds racist, sorry.] Oh, and the running like stitches and sweating! It was the absolute best. I hope this can last til we’re eighty and old. Forever and ever. Love your Official Best Friend, Zo.

And then on the next page, She is a lying, backstabbing witch and I hate her forever.

Oh, to be a teenager again.

Zo Watt is a work-in-progress. She studied Professional Writing and Editing at university and was a selection panellist for the Melbourne Queer Film Festival for  five years. Zo hopes to one day sit fourth row centre at the Oscars and publish the novel she has yet to write. Be one of the exclusive few to follow her on Instagram @zo.watt.

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