Like a winter’s flu, it happens with tragic regularity: Another year, another Big Brother, another gay slash lesbian slash bisexual housemate. In fact, gay people have become an essential ingredient in Australian reality television recipes. So where’s the token poof or dyke in this year’s BB?

Despite the fact that officially, amazingly and strangely there doesn’t seem to be one this year, we at the Star have our suspicions.

Process of elimination: It’s not Igor, the scary one with the appropriate horror movie name. He’s like, fully into chicks, right? He’s also called the other boys poofs for singing when he was feeling a bit sick, but in the old non-affectionate way.

It’s not likely to be former Sydney Swan Ryan, who complained about pervy blokes checking him out in the footy showers. It’s not Paul, the nuggety little surfer with a wife and kids at home. Or Kane, or Trevor, or Wesley who all have girlfriends back in the real world. Feelings are mixed about Merlin, whose Newtown home and lack of off-show wifey definitely make him a curious figure. He has, however, talked about how he loves making the girls think he’s smart(?).

Said girls have all talked of straight relationships past or present, although ex-stripper Krystal seems likely to engage in a bit of girl-on-girl spa pashing in keeping with Big Brother tradition.

Anyways, if there are any closets in the house, or housemates preparing to come out of them, it’s no wonder they’re keeping it to themselves.

The pressure has been on all previous token Big Brother queers: Johnnie, series one: Made friends with everyone, hugged a few people he didn’t really like. Consequence: He was labelled Johnnie Rotten and was booed on his way out of the house. Series won by a boring everyman.

Sahra, series two: Pashed a few girls and boys in the house, talked about her girlfriend, made the final three. Nathan, series two: I see myself as a personality, not a sexuality. Most viewers saw him as neither. Voted off. Series won by a boring everyman.

Claire, series three: Went to bed and didn’t get up until she was voted off. Jamie, series three: Intruder, quoted Kath and Kim, voted off. Went on to judge a non-existent beauty pageant. Series won by camp Tasmanian fish-and-chippy owner. None of the above have been seen since, outside the world of community television.

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