Even to write it, it sounds unbelievable. Me, a virgin! See, no one will ever believe that. We had a hard time trying to swallow that Britney was one there for a while, so how could anyone believe I’m one?

Well I’m happy to say that last Friday night I lost my virginity again. For the first time ever I was taken to a Sydney Swans match. Uncharted territory for me and to tell you the truth, I was like a kid in a candy shop.

Why did it take so long, you may be asking? Well I have this friend who is a diehard Swans supporter (or so she says). Sheila Blige. Over the last couple of years I have been whinging at her to take me. No, you’re too camp and you will just embarrass me, she would say. Yes, you heard it correctly. Too camp! Could there be such a thing?

So I am not sure if everyone else she asked said no, or if Sheila was just throwing a dog a bone, but I was officially invited to the match. As long as the following rules where adhered to:

1. I was allowed to wear anything I liked, preferably red and white. But had to be in my butch trans-biant male mode.

2. I had to eat a footy pie and sauce and drink a beer, and

3. Try to be as straight acting as possible.

I was sure I could do all those. I grew up in the country for God’s sake. I had to live by those rules most of my life.

On entering the gates and finding our seats -“ pie, beer and program in hand -“ I soon started to notice a few inconsistencies in Sheila’s description of the footy match. Butch, straight, macho my arse. It was girlier than a Mardi Gras. Heaven! She was just trying to keep it a secret -“ bitch. We sat next to two of the butchest lesbians I have ever met. Dripping in the team colours, these girls were hard-core supporters, going to all matches, knowing all the players and the game inside and out, and I think they had matching Swans tattoos. They soon became my best friends.

Our seats were right against the ground so we were in the middle of the action. I quickly learned that all umpires had no fucking idea and that to slag off the other team was compulsory.

When it came down to it I had no idea what was actually happening on the field. I do know the Swans won but it was very close. I had an absolute hoot and recommend it to anyone. As long as you have the team colours on, nobody cares who you are. Hey I even screamed like a woman a couple of times and no one batted an eyelid.  Go Swannies!

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