‘Start by not making assumptions’: how to have sex with a trans person

Something I’ve (almost) gotten used to as a trans guy is cis guys asking about the mechanics of sex with me. Usually quite bluntly, as in, “How do I f*ck you?”

So you’re thinking about having sex with a trans person and you don’t know what to expect. Here’s the skinny.

I’m afraid my primary advice is not very titillating: ask and listen. Like sex with anyone else, it’s usually best if you communicate.

Start by not making assumptions. If you’re dating someone trans, they may not even want to have sex at all.

Some of us are asexual. Some of us are so upset by our bodies that we don’t want to be touched, or we might not want to do certain things that make us feel bad about the bits we’ve got.

Speaking of bits, you really can’t assume what genitals we have. Even if we haven’t had genital surgery (and most of us haven’t), hormones can change how things look and function, so don’t expect straight-up lady bits on a dude or vice versa.

Asking us what we call our anatomy is a really good idea. Everyone is different. I am hurt more than you could imagine when someone says they “like my clit”, even though they mean well. (Cis guys: imagine if everyone who saw your dick said it was pretty big for a clit.)

If you don’t know, I recommend keeping your language gender-neutral is a great idea—“I love your parts” is a nice one I heard recently.

Whether you’re having sex or not, checking what trans people like to be called in terms of pronouns and other gendered language is a great idea. As a man, I don’t take kindly to being called she or a girl during sex.

I’m also not fond of being called a ‘tranny’, a ‘shemale’, or really anything else except a guy. A handful of people are okay with terms like that, but for the most part they are considered slurs and you shouldn’t use them.

If you’ve hooked up with a trans person, it’s probably a good idea to steer clear of conversation topics such as when we decided to transition or what surgeries we’re planning, unless we bring it up first. It can be a bit invasive, and frankly exhausting because we get asked all the time.

Most of us also don’t want to hear about how much you love trans people. It gets old and it’s objectifying.

As far as the fun stuff goes, everyone is different in what they like sexually. Asking before you start doing something is absolutely imperative.  

Some trans women like using their genitals, while others don’t or can’t, for instance. Some trans folks like penetrative sex, and others don’t want to do it. Trans guys may or may not want to have sex in the front, or be touched on the chest.  

Some of us would rather get up to something kinky than have ‘traditional’ sex. Some people are into more esoteric activities like muffing (look that one up when you’re not at work).

We’re each unique people, and sex with every trans person will be different. If you keep the basics of politeness in mind, and ask about the specifics, sex with a trans partner can be a hot experience for everyone.