Mardi Gras is a time for celebration, remembrance, and a whole heap of fun. Yet so many of us go to extreme and ridiculous lengths to ‘prepare’ for this week.
We start behaving like models, thinking that the whole world will be watching and judging us. We stop eating, we start exercising double time, and we form unhealthy patterns that take away from the real meaning of Mardi Gras.
Here are five signs that you know it’s Mardi Gras in the gay bubble.
The supermarkets have been running low on broccoli, chicken and brown rice for weeks. If you take a sneaky glance into a fellow gays shopping basket you’ll see it stocked high with those little green trees, hummus and celery, and a whole heap of lube. Funnily enough, no condoms. In fact the condom aisle seems to not have been touched, unlike the fake tan aisle which is emptier than ARQ on a Saturday night.
Crying at the gym
I was transfixed watching this very attractive guy doing so many sit ups at the gym he started to weep. Yet as the tears flowed, he kept pushing through. The things you do for abs! I just wanted to give him a little hug.
There’s not much you can do at a gym in the gay bubble during Mardi Gras season; every machine is being used, there’s little space on the floor, and there’s more gay men on treadmills than were at Carly Rae Jepsen’s concert last year.
Time for a little touch up
Like a yearly car service, gays take their bodies to the salon this week for a new paint job (spray tan), new tires (a little top up of botox), and a good buffering (wax). I tried to book in for a little touch up but they’ve been booked out for weeks. I may have to opt for a DIY job at home.
Jocks, and harnesses and socks…oh my!
The big decision we’ve been thinking about since Mardi Gras last year: “What colour combination of jockstrap, harness/crop-top, and socks should I go with?”
I’m thinking of doing pink, and shops up and down Oxford street are stocked high with only the shortest shorts, longest socks, and meshiest material possible in every colour possible. Not to mention the of tons of coloured glitter to match whatever colour chart you’ve picked.
Vodka tap waters
Leading up to Mardi Gras, if I hear another gym buff guy ask for a vodka and tap water at a bar I’m going to scream. You can’t possibly enjoy drinking watered down vodka. I get it, there are a lot of calories in alcoholic drinks. But maybe during this time of year, go crazy and get your vodka with soda water and lime.
This time of year is meant to be fun, and inclusive. It really doesn’t matter what you look like! This is the one time of year you get to be your true self, and be accepted and celebrated for who that beautiful person is.
See you at the parade, and don’t laugh at my DIY tan.