Handling jealousy in relationships
You are out on the town with your other half happily chatting away with friends when you notice a cutie is chatting up your partner. Uncontrollable feelings well up, you feel hot and angry and vulnerable and you know you are not in control of your feelings. In fact you feel yourself either wanting to storm out of there or say something everyone will remember for a long time. Jealousy is a primal emotion based on our whole security being threatened.
Our self-esteem and self-worth is being challenged at the very core of our being. You might secretly feel out of your depth, thinking they are so attractive and so gorgeous that you can’t understand why they are with you. But they are. They are present and they want to be with you. It is you that doesn’t accept that. The problem is your low self-esteem and usually not about them at all. Take heart self-esteem can be fixed.
Maybe there is a history of feeling abandoned in previous relationships, maybe your childhood experiences and dysfunctional family role models led to your feelings of not being safe. (Counselling is very helpful in ridding these deep-seated demons.) It is good to deal with all that old history stuff and the best way to do this, is write it in a diary.
Writing it down externalises it all and you can then see your life as a third party witness. If you don’t write it down it just swirls around that head for years. Okay you have done all that and what next? Write on bits of paper all the good things about yourself. “I’m a great cook.” “My body is really sexy.” “I kiss really well.” “I love people and show it.” Put those in a jar and pull out two a day and repeat them five times a day.
Place a rubber band around your wrist to remind you to do that and to know you are thinking positive thoughts about yourself. What we are trying to do is lift your self-esteem with cognitive behaviour therapy – changing the way you think
Next write in a diary what your thoughts are when you feel jealous. Next note if it is testable, Yes or No. Then write a comment. Here is an example. “She is too good for me.” Testable, Yes. Comment. “She tells me I make her feel really safe and happy.”
Do this for 4-5 weeks and you will think more positively about yourself.
Partners of jealous people can really help too. Remember every time you soothe them, when they feel insecure; you are reinforcing their need for a reassurance treat. They will keep playing the victim if you continue to reinforce their need for assurance. If they telephone you constantly tell them only once where you are and then turn off the phone. Next be really open with them on where you are going and when you will be home. If you don’t have secrets, let them know everything about you.
Finally, between you, make up a word for when they start going on about their obsession. Agree on a word like,”Dummo”. This should put some humour in it all. When they start to go on about being jealous, say,”Dummo.” Don’t enable them.
Being jealous is an awful feeling of losing control but you can get rid of it. Imagine you are on a sailing boat. You are on one side and your partner on the other side, leaning fully over. The boat will now go around in circles and you will both become exhausted. Instead both of you get in the boat and sail away with no effort. As a couple you can both throw the jealousy emotion out of the boat. If you can’t do it together then seek professional help.
INFO: [email protected] or gaycounselling.vpweb.com.au
by GERRY NORTH
Gay Couples Counsellor
