My friends call me Marc. It was the year of 1994/95. I was coming to the end of a 20 year military career and I had lived all those years in the closet, not able to come out as it was not acceptable to be gay in the military in those days and often being gay would get you thrown out with a dishonourable discharge. Added to this, my family were largely homophobic to boot.

I knew I was gay, but I was forced into a life of being straight, trapped in a world I could not see a way out of.

The prospect of being myself and meeting someone who was also gay and into me seemed pretty bleak, and deep down I was extremely lonely and felt isolated.

Then as fate would have it, in 1994/1995 my world got turned upside down. I met a really cute 22 year old gay guy from St. Mary’s, New South Wales who lived near the Colyton hotel in St Clair, New South Wales.

His name was Jamie J… He was a slim, cute blonde, 22/23year old gay guy and for me it was love at first sight. He was around 5.6ft tall with a shyness that when he laughed it was more like a shy reserved little giggle which was very endearing.

As our friendship grew, we spent all our free time together enjoying each others company and lapping up the quality time when ever we could.

We went to a movie, went for drives, smoked a little something. It was a golden time for both of us.

Unfortunately, things took a twist, not for the better, Because I had been in the closet for so long, I became nervous, while I loved Jamie J… I became increasingly worried about our age difference, and how people would perceive our friendship. I made the tough decision to let Jamie J. go… in hindsight clearly a stupid decision on my part.

After some amazing catch ups we parted ways, but this was not the last I saw of Jamie J…

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 In 2001 I moved to Darlinghurst to be in the scene, I thought that would bring me happiness, and to a small extent it did. I made some new friends, and I was openly gay by that time, but the sweet memories of Jamie J… were never far away, I thought about him a lot.

It was not long before, totally unexpected, I crossed paths with Jamie J. again. There he was having a cold beer in the front smoking area of the Midnight Shift hotel, as it was known then. There he was, Jamie J smiling and having a shy giggle when he saw me, I was also so happy to see him I wiped tears of joy from my eyes.

We went to my new address in Darlinghurst, so I could show Jamie J. my new apartment, which I was very proud of and wanted Jamie J. to see how I was living in Darlinghurst,

After showing him around, Jamie J. and I then headed off to another pub near Taylor Square to have a beer and catch up on the news from all those lost years we were apart.

We sat down at the pub, and had a couple of beers there, before the bouncer came over and told us we would have to leave the premises, because some of the patrons there had complained that we were being too gay and amorous towards each other, and that offended them. We had no choice but to leave the premises.

Sadly, that was the last time I got to spend quality time with Jamie J, I had completely been caught up in the moment enjoying seeing Jamie J. again, and totally forgot to get his phone number.

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 All these years later, my love for Jamie J. has never wained, and if it wasn’t for my selfishness and fears, I would still have this amazing, sweet and gentle man in my life instead my heart breaks whenever I fear for Jamie J’s health and wellbeing.

The not knowing if Jamie J. is alive, safe and well, is agonising to me. To this day, in 2020, I am constantly wishing I had the chance to say the things not said when they needed to be said. Like “I love you Jamie J.”

I live in hope that I will one day hold Jamie J in my arms again and say those lovely words to him, and most importantly to apologise for loosing him twice in his life.

Part two

As this is a continuing gay love story, (still in progress), if there is to be a re union between the two of us, then part two can be written…

So if you know Jamie J, or even better if you are Jamie J, contact the editor of Star Observer with contact details for Jamie J… hopefully we can write the finale (part 2)

Current present day:  Jamie J. is 46 to 50 years old… I am older.

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