Maxi-mum impact

As I scratch out the sleep from my eyes, I once again make a vow to get back on the right track.

As I’m sure I have mentioned I will be going on tour with the Sydney Convicts to Dublin in June and for about two weeks had put myself on a training program so tight it could also be used for an Olympic athlete.

As their mascot, my calculations all point to a fabulous time, close to 50 international gay rugby teams in one place at one time – how can a svelte, glamorous mascot go wrong?

Needless to say last weekend saw me slide straight off the wagon – damn that Easter Bunny and his need to supply us with chocolate and unlimited drinks.

I sort of knew there was movement at the station when I agreed once again to do the welcome show on the annual Midnight Shift cruise on Good Friday. I should have seen the signs when my usual partner in crime, Penny Tration, turned the booking down claiming she had grown up and become responsible. I go wild, Maxine, you know that, I was told.

Not heeding her warnings, I roped Penny’s daughter (by looks) Tora Hymen into the gig.

Decked out in the snazziest ballet tutus, we soon both had Circular Quay in a roar of cheers.

A kooky cross between Swan Lake and the ballerinas from Disney’s Fantasia it seemed. Instead of getting changed straight away we fossied to the bar where we stayed for the entire cruise. The full performance can be seen on YouTube if you search Maxi.

Staggering home at the horrid hour of 10.30am, I fell straight into bed – half lady, half monster – with enough sense to set an alarm for work the next night.

Why, why, why, is all I could say, as I dragged my carcass out of bed to the make-up table ready to dazzle and amaze once again.

Instead of the two hours on a treadmill I had initially planned, I downed a Red Bull or two and struggled through another full face of make-up. The it was off to the Tandoori Palace and a room full of hens.

After a few glasses of courage I was on the horse again, belting out numerous numbers, including YMCA, Daydream Believer and one where I actually thought I was Tom Jones – Delilah. I’m not sure who was happier to see me toddle off down the road -“ the hens or the rest of the patrons!

It was 3am before I could once again throw myself under my doona, but before I could, it was upstairs at the Midnight Shift for a bit of Tina, Tina Cousins that is.

Now I’m not sure if it was because I was under the weather or not, but she was absolutely fabulous. And instead of just doing a couple of numbers she seemed to rock on forever.

With gigs booked every night through until Thursday I have managed to consume my body weight n chocolate and alcohol already! Of course, I am trying not to beat myself up over it but rather regain my power over food and get straight back on that man hung like a horse.

Maybe I can write this weekend off as a training program for when I actually get to Dublin because I am guessing we will be consuming more than shandies once we get there.