If that recent Play School gay-parenting debacle taught us anything, it’s that there aren’t too many representations of gay and lesbian families on screen. And there are even fewer good ones.

The latest attempt to encourage debate is the latest Spike Lee film She Hate Me. In Lee’s weirdo world, a rich banker blows the whistle on his corrupt bosses, and then is left with no choice but to blow his load inside a line-up of lesbians. They’re paying him $10,000 for the privilege of bearing his smart and beautiful children.

Now, I haven’t seen She Hate Me and, with the reviews it’s getting, it will be lucky to get a cinema release in Australia. Entertainment Weekly called it at once racist, homophobic, utterly fake and unbearably tedious. Having watched the trailer and studied reviews, I have prepared a couple of notes for the director, should he ever swim into these dangerous waters again.

A few lessons on dykes, Mr Lee.

Lesson one: Lesbians are unlikely to want to have your idea of hot, straight sex with a man they are paying $10,000. If a lesbian pays a man for sperm, she most likely wants the sperm, not the man.

Number two: Not every lesbian in town who chooses to have a go at being a mother wants to get the same gear. This is one of the main worries about those guys who advertise their sperm on Pinkboard and in LOTL -“ do we want playgroups full of unknown brothers and sisters?

Number three: You have wasted an opportunity to deal with an issue facing a significant number of women, including straight women -“ that is, the dearth of men willing to procreate.

Number four: No matter how big and muscly and virile your main character is, he’s not going to turn a room full of lesbians into drooling nymphos. The notion of lesbians just needing a good root is about as interesting as your film seems to be.

Anthony Mackie plays Jack, the main character. For the record, he seems like a pretty cluey guy. Love is love, he told the Chicago Sun-Times. A lesbian couple, a gay couple or a heterosexual couple, it shouldn’t make any difference as long as they’re there to give a child love. Now, if only someone had told Spike Lee that -“ it sounds like a nice premise for a movie.

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