Have you met my good friend Gladwrap?

by KLINTON PORTER

The party was, in a word, average. My friend and I stood at the side observing the goings on. The usual suspects were all present: the gym junkie, the twink and the drag queen, among others.

And of course, there was a sleaze. You know the one, he’s at every gathering and tries his hardest to pick up anybody who dare even glance sideways at him – myself included. I guess the -˜desperate’ sign on my head was a giveaway.

However, there was one person he didn’t make a move on – my friend.

Being hit on by a sleaze is one thing, but not getting hit on by him is a completely different story.

So at the next party, not wanting to be the only one not subjected to that unique charm of the person everyone loves to hate, my friend cracked onto the sleaze. And they went home together.

Sleazy said he’d call the next day but, like all good flings, he didn’t. Then my friend started with the questions: Why doesn’t he like me? What’s wrong with me? and the classic, Am I really that unattractive?

Somewhere between rejection and the one night stand my friend, it seems, decided that the Sleazy was now the perfect man for him. Witness the birth of the clinger.

By definition a clinger is a person who clings or hangs on to a lost cause. It could be the symptom of being single for an extended period of time, or it could be the result of always hanging out with couples. But the signs are obvious – at the first hint of interest they turn into something akin to cling wrap.

There’s one in every group … and they are notoriously hard to avoid.

The clinger is so determined that no ceases to mean no. They throw themselves at their target with emails and text messages. Some even coincidently go to places they know their target will be. It’s not quite stalking, but it is scarily close to it.

The bottom line is these people need to be stopped. Their desperation will eventually lead them to someone not worthy – or more clingy than themselves – and the consequences are not worth it.

Start by encouraging them on dates. If they target a sleaze at the next party, suggest they wait to see who arrives later in the evening. Hell, slap and shake them a little if you need to.

And make sure they understand the meaning of the term one night stand – it helps avoid confusion further down the track (and will save you a lot of hours on the phone).

And if all else fails and you can’t stop the clinger’s natural inclinations, at least make them cling to something pretty. Otherwise at the next party your introduction is Hi, its nice to be here, have you met my friend Gladwrap?