6 Ingenious But Possibly Illegal Suggestions For Solving The ‘AFL Homophobia’ Problem

There are few things more deeply, spiritually Australian than a bunch of AFL blokes insisting they’ve definitely evolved past homophobia while simultaneously calling each other “f****t” on national television because someone missed a handball.

Every single season, without fail, we go through the same ritual. A player uses a homophobic slur on-field. The AFL acts shocked. The club releases a statement about how the player is “deeply remorseful”. Said player then stares solemnly into the middle distance in a quarter-zip while explaining that this “does not reflect who they are as a person”. Then everyone moves on until another bloke inevitably decides the best way to express frustration during sport is by hurling a slur that queer people have historically had screamed at them while getting bashed or thrown off cliffs.

And look — I do think some players genuinely don’t understand the impact of these words. They SHOULD, but they don’t – they’ve never cared to learn. Footy culture has normalised this shit for decades. A lot of these men grew up in hyper-macho environments where casual homophobia was punctuation. But also: you are professional athletes in the year 2026. We do eventually have to move the culture forward.

So, in the spirit of community service, I would like to present six possible solutions to the AFL’s ongoing homophobia problem. Some practical, some deeply stupid, some that might get me thrown in jail – but hey, they might work! All are, frankly, probably more useful than whatever media training PowerPoint the AFL is currently wheeling out.

1. Sit them down with their team’s LGBTQ+ supporter group and force ’em to listen

If a player uses a homophobic slur, they should have to sit down with the club’s LGBTQ+ supporter group and listen. Properly listen. No cameras. No PR spin. No “we’re on a learning journey together” corporate comms language. Just their own queer supporters telling them exactly how much that word they used really fucking hurts them personally, and why.

Tell that player about hearing it screamed out car windows after school. Tell them about shrinking yourself in locker rooms because you could hear the popular kids whispering it about you and laughing. Tell them about getting chased home after Mardi Gras. Tell ’em about it being used by men who then threatened to push off a cliff to kill you. Tell them about being called it by your furious, aggressive father. Tell them about the time your bully got their boyfriend to punch you several times in the face while calling you it. Tell them about waking up in hospital after being knocked out, with that word being the last thing you heard before a fist hit your face.

One by one, human to human. Full eye contact; they’re not allowed to look away or leave until everyone’s told their story.

Because the problem with these slurs is that straight people often think they exist in some magical vacuum where words are just “banter”. Meanwhile queer people hear them and instantly remember every terrifying moment attached to them.

Honestly, empathy training probably might help. Which is annoying, because I was hoping public humiliation alone could solve this.

2. The Shelter Dog Program

If a player uses a slur, they must foster an extremely energetic rescue dog for three months. A beautiful, chaotic little gremlin who never does what they are told.

The catch? The dog must temporarily be named the exact slur the player used.

Immediately the player’s life becomes hell. They’re at the park screaming “FAGGOT! GET BACK HERE!” while horrified mothers clutch their children, a couple starts whispering, “Jesus Christ, babe, isn’t that that AFL player?”

The dog escapes Bunnings. The player has to run through the carpark yelling the slur over and over while tradies stare at him like he’s possessed. Police rock up. LOTS of people are filming the player being a complete menace to society, which gets posted online and obviously goes viral. Can you imagine what the headlines will look like?

Eventually the player develops a strong understanding that maybe, actually, saying that word publicly makes everyone think you are an unbelievable cunt. Growth!

3. Tequila Rehabilitation

You know those incredible ‘slap shot’ videos you’ve probably seen online, where someone takes a tequila shot and the bartender immediately throws water in his face then slaps him with the force of a collapsing building?

Let’s do that.

The player sits at a table. Takes a shot. Then an LGBTQ+ person that’s affected by the specific slur they’d used throws liquid at him (my violent streak wants to suggest petrol, but I’ll settle for water I SUPPOSE), and slaps him across the head like they’re resetting a malfunctioning printer — while screaming the slur directly in his face.

They’ve gotta take shot, after shot, after shot.

We’ll aim to get them to drink the whole bottle, but we’ll stop when they vomit, lest they get alcohol poisoning (personally I would take it like a champion and finish the bottle, but I guess that’s just because my father didn’t raise no pussy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯).

By the next morning, when the wake up curled up around the toilet, violently hungover, the player will have psychologically associated homophobic slurs with nausea, fear, confusion and violent dehydration. Which, coincidentally, is how many queer people feel hearing them.

In the future when they hear the slur or if it pops into their head to yell while playing, they will immediately vomit.

This is called immersive learning – it’s science, look it up. We’ll call this method… ‘Pavlov’s Fag’.

4. Make ’em be a part of Pride, the good bad & ugly bits

Not in the cute celebrity “wave from the convertible for nine seconds” way. I mean properly march.

Put them six hours deep into a Pride parade in full sun behind (not on, behind) a float blasting Cher, while a drag queen that is talkative even by drag queen standards aggressively explains the history of police brutality against queer people.

THEN – they’ve also got to clean our shit up the next, beyond exhausted, legs aching, still covered in glitter.

Make them help dismantle the barriers afterwards, clean out the portaloos, sweep up the streets, clean up the litter. They must do this while other volunteers regale him with tales of the after parties, and their post-Pride Grindr hookups.

By the end of the day, they’ll either become a better ally or their soul will die a significant amount. I’m good with either.

5. The hetero masculinity drainer

If a player uses a homophobic slur during a match, then for the next three games all opposition players are allowed to exclusively insult him in ways only LGBTQIA+ people would.

Not abusive things. Just devastatingly specific queer commentary.

“Nice shorts, king – they’re giving 2014 Coachella lesbian.”

“Babe that haircut? You look like you just got back from hair surgery in Turkey.”

“Sis, you run like you own a cryptocurrency podcast.”

After the last game, the player is put in a competition with the masc-iest masc dyke you’ve ever seen – they must both go to Bunnings and then build something from scratch. The dyke will obviously win, by miles, faster and more adept than this straight man could ever hope to be.

Within minutes the offending player would collapse psychologically; every ounce of confidence and masculinity will drain from them. Because straight men might be able to survive violence, but they sure as shit would not be able to survive hours of gay insults and emasculation. We can be a vicious people.

Both of these moments will be filmed, and if the player EVER says a homophobic slur again, the footage will be released online for the entire country to laugh at.

6. Replying to Facebook’s fkd comments about the AFL Pride Round

Actually no, this one might violate the Geneva Convention.

Because if you truly want to understand the AFL’s homophobia problem, you only need to spend five minutes under any Pride Round post. The comments immediately become a cursed archaeological dig of Australian masculinity.

“Keep politics out of sport.”

“Why isn’t there a straight round?”

“I’m sick of this woke nonsense!! Why do they need to shove it in our faces!”

“I don’t hate gays BUT—”

And of course, the comments that include slurs, severe discrimination, and threats of violence.

So, the player will be made to spend A FULL WEEK before the Pride Round replying to EVERY SINGLE COMMENT with information about the queer community, LGBTQIA+ history and the violence our community has faced. They will be made to do the research about it all for the benefit of educating these AFL fans about WHY these words, excuses, and threats are NOT okay.

A drag queen will be there for assistance, if the player needs to ask LGBTQIA+ questions – and if they start to lose focus or don’t put enough effort in, the queen will read them the house down boots, and they will be savage as all hell. No holding back – that player certainly didn’t hold back when they used that word on the field, or any time they’ve used it in their life, which is undoubtedly a lot.

Because that’s the problem, really. Homophobia in the AFL isn’t just about individual players saying slurs. It’s about a broader culture that still treats queer inclusion as optional, annoying, political, or somehow incompatible with the sport.

Meanwhile there are queer kids sitting in the stands absolutely loving footy while quietly wondering if the sport loves them back.

The AFL can keep pretending this is just about a few isolated incidents. Or it can actually do the uncomfortable work of changing the culture.

Any more homophobic slur incidents and I will be forced to launch the tequila slap rehabilitation program myself. And I’ll fuckin’ do it, too – for the pleasure of slapping homophobes obviously. Call it: for the love of the game.