The subtext to acceptance (Meeting the in-laws)
Image: The author's boyfriend at his home in far north Queensland. (Photo: Samuel Leighton-Dore)
EVERY year my boyfriend’s mother sends out a letter to her inner circle of close friends and family. It’s the kind of letter which nowadays faces extinction at the hands of modern technology — the kind more often written in that ancient, long-ago time pre-dating email or Facebook.
I suppose it’s a “general update” of sorts; about two A4 pages in length and thoughtfully composed in size-12 Times New Roman. It covers everything from family vacations, concerts and illnesses — right through to pets, break-ups and new relationships. It’s simply a tradition. The annual summary to one humble Australian family of four.
A family I (just quietly) hope to one day be part of.
We recently received our 2015 edition in the mail — and my boyfriend, Brad, tore it open with a rare twist of excitement and hesitation. You see, there have been a few significant changes to his life over the past year, namely meeting and moving in with me. But the question remained: would we get a mention? Would we make the matriarchal cut? Surely our happy year-long relationship warranted (at the very least) its very own paragraph?
But there’s a catch. Brad grew up in a small sugarcane-farming town in far north Queensland. To put it succinctly: it’s the kind of town which boasts more working petrol stations than openly-gay men. The locals there appreciate the rural traditionalism of family narrative — they live by the hard-working, pat-on-the-back “bloke” mentality of real men. And same-sex unions don’t quite fit the bill.
Brad power-read through the maternally narrated pages with me peering anxiously over his shoulder. All the usual tidbits were there. The much-anticipated Michael Buble concert. The usual trip to Sydney. A cousin’s wedding in Melbourne. Brad’s sister had a new boyfriend — his name was Darren and his personal interests included fishing and boat mechanics. Brad had finally started up his own bedding label — Spreadem Bedding. Had visited home earlier that year. Had recently moved into a new unit…
Words, words, words. Hope you’re all doing well. The end.
We reached the end of the letter in mutual silence. My existence had been all but withheld — barely touched on. Now, as a writer, I understand the occasional need for selective editing. But as a person — as a loving partner — I felt ripped off.
However, after the initial twang of hurt and rejection subsided, I realised something: perhaps acceptance doesn’t always have to be front-page news. It doesn’t need to be highlighted in bold or italic. It doesn’t need to be loud, and it doesn’t necessarily need to be proud. For my new de-facto in-laws, perhaps acceptance lay in the subtext. In the non-existent footnotes. In their baby steps toward embracing a once-foreign reality.
Having visited Brad’s parents last year, I’d experienced first-hand both their nerves and warmth at my presence. They were uncomfortable, yes — but they were really trying not to be. So we did what all gay men occasionally have to do: we adapted. We pushed together our single beds, we quietly held hands (only when deemed appropriate) in public, and I never once felt embarrassed or ashamed to be who I was.
It’s sometimes easy to forget that beyond the glaring lights of our capital cities, there remain functioning communities largely untouched by the growing equality movement. That’s not to say they’re uncultured — to the contrary, in many ways they’re more-so — it’s just that their immediate perspectives often don’t hold the same sexual diversity and openness that ours do. And that’s okay.
Just as Brad’s father showed incredible patience while teaching me the ways of crab-fishing from the back of his old dingy, perhaps my patience and ongoing presence alongside his son will teach him that love arrives in different shapes and sizes.
And who knows, maybe next year I’ll get my very own introductory paragraph. But then again, maybe I don’t need one.
Samuel Leighton-Dore is a Sydney-based writer and director. His best-selling eBook Love or Something Like It is available now and his children’s book I Think I’m A Poof can be purchased here.
Follow Samuel on Twitter via @SamLeightonDore
_______________
**This article was first published in the April edition of the Star Observer, which is available to read in digital flip-book format. To obtain a physical copy, click here to find out where you can grab one in Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide, Canberra and select regional/coastal areas.
You May Also Like
An Interesting article, probably the stereotypical sort of thing one would expect from another angry young gay man I imagine. It starts with lies and progresses to condescending vague untruths. The picture is not of his boyfriend at his home. Why start an article of this nature with a blatant lie? I have never met Sam but obviously being recognised as someone’s boyfriend is important to him. I assume this importance magically transfers to Brad. If it was so important to Brad, why hasn’t he used some ancient technology, put pen to paper and let HIS family and friends know; Hey people I AM gay and my current boyfriends name is Sam, etc, etc. Not all of us ancient relatives are tech savy, although I did get onto this article by clicking a link in something that Brad liked in his Facebook and for that I am grateful as it then allowed me to broach the subject “officially” with his mother. Back to Brad, He is an adult, surely he is old enough to announce himself rather than waiting for his mother (yet again) to do it for him. I’d venture every town in Australia has more servos than openly gay men. The traditional family (husband & wife and maybe kids) is exactly that, in ALL of Australia. Acceptance? what precisely does that mean? There’s a big difference between say, knowing someone is gay and lovingly opening your arms and accepting unconditionally. I can only imagine what Brad’s parents went/ have “gone through”/are going through inviting Sam into the lives and home. To read this article (apparently written without any malicious intent) and it’s (in my opinion) totally condescending tone makes me angry. Sam bags everything basically. Its remarkable that there are actually towns outside of Capital cities that are able to function without embracing gay men? Amazing. But Sam is right about one thing; being gay is not always front page news especially for us “normal, married, straight, hard working, slap U on the back, keeping the country going, living and working outside Capital cities BLOKES. If you and Brad come to stay at my place I hope u don’t move the single beds together because that’s the way the bedroom is set up and its that way for everyone; even Brads Mum and Dad. Uncle Garth
Beautiful piece! My parents went through the same process with me and my boyfriend, but a few months ago they summed up the courage to tell the relatives. I took 8 years to come out. My parents took 8 months. I’m immensely proud of them and I’m sure one day soon your boyfriend will feel the same too.
Don’t mean to rain on your parade Samuel, but in reference to your last line, you actually do need one. “All gay men” do not have to occasionally push the single beds together: the ones who do tolerate that nonsense are the ones with low self esteem and internalised homophobia that they learned, at a very young and influential age, from the “good blokes” and their wives who took you crab fishing (but won’t publicly acknowledge the fact that their son is gay and you are his partner). Spare us all this apologist nonsense and learn some self respect. If you cannot do that, stop being a writer who writes articles that tell vulnerable young Queenslanders to “stay quiet” and “be patient”. Do you have any idea that less than 25 years ago in QLD you and your boyfriend could be sent to jail for 14 years for sodomy under the criminal code, before law reform? Do you have any idea how intellectually lazy and politically and historically uninformed your article is? As a result of these facts, can you even begin to imagine how angry your article would make an educated older gay Queenslander? If you or your partner die without a will, his parents or yours can exclude you from the funeral and exclude you from everything else, including getting access to resources that you paid for and created during your time together. So spare everyone your apologist BS and think more deeply before you put fingers to keyboard. This article is appalling. Why the SSO deemed it publishable is utterly beyond comprehension.
Samual’s article was thoughtful and nuanced. You have every right to put another view but be great if it could be done respectfully.
Samuel’s name is spelt with an e, not an a, Clive. You’re in publishing. I have no problem with “nuanced” articles nor personal perspectives, when they are purely recounting a personal perspective. But when they extend to inferring that it is ok for young gay people to be disappeared by their own families, then I will absolutely respond, and loudly so, because our existence matters, and if we don’t appear, we don’t exist.
You think that’s bad about the Queensland prior to 1991 sodomy law, try Tasmania’s sodomy law when prior to 1997 – a gay man can be charged and go straight to jail for 25 years! Even with a federal sexual privacy law back in 1994 under Paul Keating, tried to stop the arrests of gay men within all of Australia! And I was only 11 years old in 1997 and today I am 29 years old. About 5 years ago I became a full advocate for the NSW regional LGBTI community! In 2015, hopefully marriage equality, ending trans/homophobia and intersex recognition on birth certificates for all us Aussies becomes a reality and not just a dream!
Daniel, Interesting that we are both unhappy with the article, but, for very different reasons. Interesting also that people with causes to push want, maybe even demand that everyone gets in line with their mode of thinking. I’d say you appear to be more angry with him than I am (even though you should both be on the same side slaying the common forces of evil).
In Sam’s defence he isn’t an educated older gay Queenslander and his article quite obviously wasn’t a political or historic piece intent on educating the ignorant or uninformed. In addition you are the person that dictates what opinions people should have and whether they should publish them to history of the planet? Give me a break, you sound as bad if not worse than those you are trying to supress. The vehicle of change for Gay Rights or any other cause for that matter does not require that everyone dies in the trenches.
Yep I was the flatmate… I love telling that in front of the “mother-in-law” to other people…
Her husband of course is introduced as her flatmate to my gay friends ….lol
Carol Braun
Oh. We know the feeling. even after 52 years together. Always hurts.