Love, chemistry, commitment, and science
MATTHEW CSABONYI
What is love and does it last forever? Good question. It’s one that philosophers have been trying to answer since ancient Greece, and even they had a lot of trouble, with no definitive conclusion.
Even William Shakespeare seems somewhat confused: “The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but love”… Umm… Thanks for that, Shakespeare.
I am no Socrates or Shakespeare, but I know a few things about psychology and science. When you meet someone you are attracted to, a whole bunch of neurons fire chemicals around your brain that create that feeling of attraction. These chemicals make you feel really good — so good that you want to experience the effects of them more and more.
However, the unfortunate thing about chemicals (whether natural or in pill form) is that the more they are released into your body, the more your body adapts and the less of an effect they have (a process called ‘tolerance’). If you are in a relationship this means the initial shot of chemical reactions that create that rush of feelings whenever you touch was never going to last forever.
Unfortunately this loss of chemical sensitisation is often used as an excuse to end a relationship. “I fell in love with someone else” or “I just didn’t feel the same way any more” are common justifications. In light of the revelations of science this seems like such a sad mistake to make, because even with a perfect partner, the effect of those chemicals was never going to last, and there will always be someone else on the sidelines who gets your chemicals firing again.
But beware! Repeated exposure to a new guy will cause his chemicals to wear off too. It’s too easy to fall into the trap of the ‘serial LTR’ (chasing that ‘chemical feeling’, jumping from one person to the next as the chemicals wear off) and never finding that lasting relationship you are looking for.
What does this mean for relationships? It means that real love doesn’t have much at all to do with chemicals. Keep this in mind next time someone other than your partner gets them firing (I guess that’s why wedding vows typically include the promise ‘forsaking all others’).
Sure, chemicals may be important at the beginning but research consistently shows that people in LTRs are happier than the rest of us, have fewer health problems, live longer and are more satisfied with their lives after making a commitment to their partner, despite the chemicals wearing off. People in a committed LTR are likely to have highly increased levels of intimacy that cannot be achieved after just one or two years, plus the reassurance of an enduring partnership.
So living in the 21st century has some benefit. Now more than ever we have the information needed to make better choices about our relationships. Feelings are important — but love is more than a chemical in the brain. True love is about commitment, selflessness, learning to trust, and helping each other through life. And it was never meant to be easy — maintaining a lifelong commitment to someone is always going to involve sacrifice and compromise.
What do you think? Are you going to keep chasing after chemicals you’ll never be able to keep around forever? Of course you won’t, will you…
to me in a relationship is trust n to be true to one another.. if you don’t have those then what’s the point of being in the relationship in the first place? your partner can tell you everything you want to hear! but then again can be cheating on you behind your back!! falling in loves great it’s wanting the relationship to work n falling in love with them over n over again thats real love!
Interesting angle, maybe that’s why the old saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is still kicking around. Maybe being away from your partner for some time allows you to have a decreased exposure to those warm fluffy chemicals enough so that the next time you see them you feel all gooey again with the new rush.
love is the most important thing of all… n yet people in todays society treat love as though it means nothing to them… going around having sex leading the other person on n so forth! with Matt’s article he explains what it’s like in todays society! n that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be even if our friends may comfort us n try n hook us up with the next person that walks along the street… sort of the same as matts article before!! SSO my loco mag i read it at my cafe in newtown… love reading everyones articles should be more like these.
I think that the chemical reaction is simply the initial attraction. True love is so different to this, and only prevails after some time. Nothing beats the feeling of those first few weeks known as “falling in love”. Perhaps it’s not really falling in love, but instead just the natural high created by the chemical reaction.
An interesting approach to such a murky topic. I guess we can skip the indepth chemistry and just say that love somewhat parrallels addiction. You get that feeling and just need more and more. It such an amazing feeling at some people will go to great lengths to attain this. However, there are those that know this feeling and who has providide it to them and will stay with them even if it diminishes at times as it may be reignited with the simplest of sparks.
Now, if we look the idea that people will become accusome to the effects of love and its capacity can diminish. At this point I guess its also worth noting that as time goes along the brain has the capacity form new pathways that will enhance transmission. Perhaps, enduring love forms extra pathways and lets it florish for those that can commit to time….
Commitment is not easy, yet so important. Commitment means in the ugly times you love still, when someone pricks your mind or physical attraction is present, you commit. You don’t stop loving them or seeking love elsewhere. You commit.
I’ve been through the good and bad of these circumstances. It’s hard, really hard. To forgive someone who cheats is difficult. To commit when it is in the ugly and hard phase is really hard. But when you get through it, you know you are stronger for it, as an individual and as a couple.
Forgiveness is a poweful tool of commitment. So is loving yourself. When you love yourself, you can love others with their flaws and all.
A very eye opening and insightful article. Really well written and gave me lots to think about…
I really liked this article, and explains why so many people cheat or leave one another. I guess, we have to learn how to make it work in a relationship, and love is way beyond chemical attraction.
Its a good article that approaches love in a scientific and practical approach, it can be brutal, but practical :)