I’m sorry to say, this is my last column. Sorry because I still had so much to bitch about. When I think of all those unflung insults I could just swallow my tongue. Hell, I didn’t even get a chance to do a number on Bec and Lleyton’s brave journey into parenthood.

I imagine I would have given them a few tips on choosing a classy and unique name for their child, with an emphasis on creative spelling and free-form punctuation. Then, reflecting on what it would be like growing up Hewitt, I probably would have suggested little Kevinn or Ra’Chell might be better off staying in exclusive baby bump photo! form.

Speaking of Aussie golden couples, I always wanted to denounce the flagrant use of both Aussie and golden couple, as well as the plague of painful TV blondes. I definitely would have taken this opportunity to spotlight weatherman Tim Bailey; every time he comes up with a cute new term for rain, I pray for lightning.

Sooner rather than later, I would have brought up the major win on Millionaire this week. Bit suss if you ask me. I’d have then segued to the rash of game shows, making reference to those ludicrous prizes on Temptation. After a scathing riff on remote-control fridges, kettles with broadband access and other items of surround-sound stupidity, I might have softened the tone by conceding that I think Sandra Sully looks lovely on Australia’s Brainiest Kid. I’m not all spleen.

Still, I never got a chance to express my disgust with the New Improved Pauline Hanson. How did that stupid bigot become Australia’s hard-faced sweetheart? Because she danced for laughs and had a fucking makeover? I would have enjoyed writing that one.

Mindful that this is a Community Paper, every so often I’d have felt obliged to throw in a piece on gay social life. Have pigs replaced bears as the hot new animal to identify with? Maybe 10 easy ways to make self-loathing sexy! That sort of thing.

There’s so much else I could have railed against: people in sexual minorities who mistake lack of interest for discrimination; phrases like hotting up. I just hope my brief run of fortnightly purges was as good for you as it was for me.

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