Monogamy not key to success

Monogamy not key to success

Monogamy is not the be-all and end-all for successful relationships, especially for gay men, a new study has found.

Victoria University researcher Dr Warwick Hosking told Sydney Star Observer his survey of 229 gay men aged between 18 and 70 in relationships across Australia indicates it’s how well the rules of a relationship are adhered to, not the type of relationship, that determines its success.

“We got the participants to fill out a number of measures of relationship quality like satisfaction, commitment, intimacy… how much conflict there is in the relationship and so on,” Hosking said.

“What we found was none of those measures differed according to what type of relationship the men were in. Whether they were in an open relationship, or monogamous, there was no difference.”

Just over half (56 percent) of respondents reported being in monogamous relationships, 27 percent were in open relationships — in which sex with outsiders is permitted — and 17 percent were in relationships in which sex with at least a third person took place.

More than 73 percent of the men surveyed said their relationship agreement had been reached through discussion, although the study showed monogamous relationships were more likely to have unspoken rules.

Hosking found no difference in ‘satisfaction’ in the three main types of relationships — monogamous, open and those involving threesomes or group sex.

Those men who broke established rules, however, were more likely to struggle in a relationship, while those who stuck to the rules, monogamous or otherwise, reported much more satisfying partnerships.

“The importance I see is really just to challenge any old-fashioned attitudes there might be about monogamy in relationships. There tends to be this view that in order for a relationship to last, or to be successful, it has to be monogamous,” Hosking said.

“There are a lot of men who are in relationships who mutually decide with their partners [monogamy’s] not exactly how they want it to be and they want to have the opportunity or the permission to explore things with other men within the boundaries they established in that relationship, as long as the rules are agreed upon and stuck to. That’s really the major finding of the study — it’s sticking to the rules that makes the difference.”

Hosking said he wants to continue his research by following couples over longer periods of time to look at the development of rules in relationships.

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16 responses to “Monogamy not key to success”

  1. Hmmm … comments are as interesting as the initial article. We have no idea what it is like to be anyone else, and so all we can do is inwardly reflect on what we want ourselves and communicate that honestly with our partners. Relationships are like fingerprints – they are all different. My current relationship is one year only – monogomous, sexy and delightful. My plan is to keep it that way, however none of us can be sure of what lies ahead of us, and so it simply serves us to remain open-minded and accepting of the choices others make.

  2. Three interesting parts of this study, followed by my opinion … (1) there can be a lack of communication about sexual desires/needs in monogamous relationships – generally people believe that communication is an automatic outcome of monogamy – it’s not, you still need the courage to ask for your sexual desires to be met, and the intimate rewards can be great if you do;(2) none of us should really be getting too passionate about the results because the pool of respondents (229) is so small; (3) Gay relationships seem to hold more chance of communication about monogamy vs. open relationships. We seem to be thinking/talking about the issue more than straight people are. Remember Frida and Diego Rivera ? Would she ever have married him if she’d asked (not assumed) that he’d be faithful ? Now for my opinion … I am in a committed monogamous relationship in which we communicate our basic desires to one another. Neither of us expect to have ALL our desires catered-to (can anyone ever be so perfect ???), but we have created a solid foundation for our domestic life by agreeing not to seek extra-marital sex of any kind. This means I sometimes jerk-off in the shower imagining taking on a football team. Does my husband ? I’m sure he does too – you’d have to ask him. Without some inner sexual life shared with no-one but yourself, then I think too much of the self is lost. Life’s full of paradoxes, and a monogamous relationship is one of them.

  3. My favorite line in these comments is “I wholeheartedly disagree with his findings.” Maybe the study is flawed, maybe it’s not. But it represents fact as the respondents to the study see it: non-monogamy works for plenty of men. And fact, regardless of what you think of it, is still fact.

    God bless you if you are in the 56% of happily monogamous men. God protect you if you are in the arms of a lying cheat. But neither changes the basic fact – if non-monogamy is not for you, you are not doomed.

  4. I totally agree with Matthew,I’m also in a committed monogamist relationship (We had our commitment ceremony 4 years ago) and we have never looked back.
    Sure you think of the “Good O’ll days” of meeting men for casual sex,but at the end of the day I count my lucky stars that I didn’t catch anything,and I grew up.
    I think of it like stepping stones,you step up to a certain stage(Like going out to the clubs week after week) then your mind and body tells you “That’s it,time to settle down”
    I have heard of and found out of friend’s that they have stepped on to many stones (Really over done it) and now Hiv+ as they were into bathouse’s ,beats,organised orgies and anything goodlooking at their local pick-up club, very sad.
    They seem to get it around 30yrs of age,but they cant work out who they got it from,as they have just slept with too many people,thinking their cool & sexy and expected from the scene.
    If they were in a honest monogamist relationship from the beginning they would have lowered the risk to zip.
    It doesn’t matter if you were condoms and practice safe sex,sooner or later your going to be Hiv+ its just a matter of time.
    Ohh we have a picket-fence but we don’t have Poodles (Children) we have chihuahuas lol,thankyou

  5. I would say Warwick is probably spot on.

    My open relationship lasted 16 years, the only reason it broke up was not because of hiv (we are both negative but we knew it was there so we used condoms even when together) or because of orgies and other men. We simply grew apart. No other person interfered and our 3 ways etc were great and we made mates out of it. My ex and I now speak as he lives in Adelaide with his new partner so it is all good. But, the sleeping with others did not do it. I always felt secure he was going to be there when I got home and he was. In the end he simply wanted a life in New York and I didn’t and now he is partnered with a house and a great job in South Australia.

    My new and second relationship is monogamous and I am fine with that. If he cheated I would rather he told me and be safe, but he says he does not there is trust there. Having done both ways, I concur with Michael. Each to their own. I can’t say open is better it needs a lot of communication and you must tell your partner if an STI happens, but it worked for my first partner and I and what I have now works for my new partner and I.

  6. Opps, initial reaction over the top, sorry SSO (I live in Brisbane so I can’t debate this face to face) but I just have issues with moralistic gay men who want to tell others how to live.

    I would say that the couples I know, not one is monogamous, even if it is just a once off. It is great to be monogamous, but Scott’s assertion that if we present some clean image that we are only bonking the husband is silly.

    There is nothing wrong with monogamy, nothing at all, but open relationships have worked, to make assumptions they don’t comes from a place of moralising. I am sure there are studies to back up monogamy is better but again the assertion that Scott makes that we should all be monogamous so we can have gay marriage accepted is invalid really. How many married men leave their wives to do beats? What about them getting STI’s? Yet the contributors automatically link monogamy with no STI’s?

    No, the study is good, it is right and again live your own lives and don’t hurt others, but if you love your partner but want to go outside the relationship and he’s ok, do it, if not stick to monogamy. Either way is fine, and it is fine to have a few, but it is not fine to impose a view on your friends and others. Do either and stay safe. Simple.

  7. Why are you guys angry? If you are not doing open relationships what is it to you if everyone else is? I disagree with Scott totally and agree with the researcher’s findings. And if you think gay marriage equals monogamy, then that is naive as anything. Who cares what straight society thinks? I am not going to present a false image of monogamy to the world just because some activists want something their own way. Your anger is more likely related to the fact that you have had your ways of life, which you have no right to dictate to the gay community, challenged. Stay in your little white picket fences and poodles as ‘children’ and let others do what they want. It’s simple – do monogamy or do open relationship but do not tell others what to do.

  8. In my opinion open relationships don’t work, yes some have worked but if you decide to go down that track be very careful as it can easily be a road to disaster. A also agree with Scotts post.

  9. Mathew it was so nice to read your description of your relationship – thats beutiful, thanks for sharing.

    I agree with Scott on this one as well,also, thats such a horrible case about your friends being infected by their partners.

    I feel this article or study is a negative, I wont go on as Scott’s post pretty much explains it.

    I feel angry to..

  10. The article could have been headlined in the reverse if there was no difference eg “Sleeping around not key to success”. I wonder why it wasn’t?

  11. I’m sure Dr. Hosking comes complete with lovely degrees and certificates that validate every word he speaks, but in this case, I whole-heartedly disagree with his so-called findings.
    To me, it’s clear that many men have tendencies to stray from their committed partner, whether gay or straight. What I disagree with is trying to manage the relationship AND exploring what’s outside the relationship. If you both agree that you need to explore, what keeps you in your relationship? Familiarity? Comfort? Stability? That all goes away when you seek physical satisfaction outside the relationship.
    And, I agree with Scott. How do studies like this help our greater cause to be accepted by society?
    – A little angry right now…sorry!

  12. I am sure there must be people out there who have the right personalities and skills to successfully manage an open relationship, but out of the couples I’ve known well who’ve been in that situation (both straight and gay) it was pretty obvious that it was the result of a power imbalance in the relationship.

    One partner was a lot more in love than the other partner, and if they hadn’t agreed to it, their partner would probably have left them.

    It was also pretty clear that the partner with the power was getting a lot more out of the relationship being open, and in the end, the couples I’ve known in that situation have ended up separating anyway.

    I also think that from the day a relationship starts being open, you’d be mad to not practice 100 percent safe sex with your partner, and if he disagreed with that, then that’s a relationship that needs to be over.

  13. Well thanks for that Dr Hosking!

    In a time when we are trying to promote acceptance of Gay Marriage, we wonder why we are not taken seriously!

    Lets not also forget trying to curb the rise of STD’s and HIV…the idea of promoting acceptance of non-monogamous relationships only serves to increase everyones risk. Sure there will be “safe sex” in these open relationships…but what happens when there isn’t? What happends to the unsuspecting partner? I’ll tell you what…they end up geting infected!! I know this as it has happened to at least two of my friends and one now has HIV. This when there was a supposed “set of rules” that one partner decided not to follow…

  14. hi i am a chinese boy studying in sydney i agree with mattew i only want monogomist relationship, one man is enough for me , unluckily , haven,t found anyone so far.

  15. I’ve done both types of relationships. I was terribly unhappy in an open relationship. There sex was ok, but the not knowing what rules were being broken, ate my heart away.

    Now I’m in a complete and honest monogomist relationship I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I guess every relationship is different and it’s up to the individual to discuss with their partner what is acceptable.

    I just love the fact that when I get home I know my man and I are 1000% connected with each other and don’t need anyone else. Our bodies are one and we get all the satisfaction we need!