Parent’s side

I have four children and three of them are gay. They’re middle-aged now, so it’s been many years that I’ve known about being a mother of gay children.

My third child came out first when he was in his late 20s, which was quite late actually. He said, “I’ve got something to tell you mum.” I guessed that he was gay anyway, so it wasn’t really a surprise.

I was more concerned about the health issues back then. I was worried about HIV/AIDS because it was very big news in the 80s – it was quite worrying.

Our eldest daughter came out next. This time I was very surprised and did weep about it. You see, as a parent you do wonder if it was your fault or that you did something wrong.

I suppose it’s different when you’re actually faced with reality because you have to accept it and the situation as well. Children really need the support of their parents because they are so vulnerable at this time.

My youngest daughter came out last. She was a drummer in an all-girl band and the only people that watched her were women. I kind of guessed that she was a lesbian because she had no men in her life. This time I actually asked her if she was gay and she was surprised by my question.

I guess that you’re also always concerned that your children are going to be discriminated against in the workplace or in their social life. I know now it’s against the law to discriminate and I remember the laws being amended some years ago. But it still happens today and is being covered up.

My son asked me to join PFLAG. I actually thought that I didn’t need to join anything. But he said, ‘I think you will find it interesting.”

It was only in the city back then, as there were no branches anywhere else. I thought that I’d see some really peculiar people – I was surprised at how ordinary they were.

We regularly attended and over the years I started my own PFLAG in Parramatta because it was a hell of a way to go. Fifteen years later and the group is still going.

It’s important because PFLAG gives support to parents. There is still a lot of homophobia in the community. You have to remember that people still don’t regard homosexuality as an advantageous thing. It’s dreadfully cruel, but it’s true. They can say all these things about accepting gays but if it’s their own children it’s a different matter.

It’s the one group that parents can come along to and feel safe as well as saying what they like. Very often parents start off as homophobic themselves. They don’t like the idea at all and a lot of them ask, if they can “change their children back”. And of course you can’t, and that’s what we emphasise. Some become quite angry about it. It’s remarkable to see how people change over time.

The group survives on annual fees and when we attend a meeting we sling in a gold coin. We really survive on very little because the people that run PFLAG are volunteers. The only thing is that it would be good to have enough money to promote PFLAG and that’s one thing we can’t do because we don’t have the resources. We need to put the word out there to the general public.

I have also marched in Mardi Gras many times. Many parents are against it at first but after a while they change because they see how important it is to the gay community.

I remember the first time I marched, which was 14 years ago. I remember thinking, “I hope people don’t throw things at us.” I was quite surprised when people started clapping.

Thanks to PFLAG, people do grow and their minds expand. It’s just so important for parents to accept their child for who they are. We need to love and support them regardless of their sexuality.

For more details on PFLAG call 9294 1002.