The contradiction that is all things Christmas is about to sweep down upon dyke and angel, princess and lipstick alike.

The familial tribe is to gather essentially to eat, enjoy the holidays and give according to our Christian tradition. Employers and Ruler grant the serfs and subjects’ time to enjoy the rations granted them from their excesses.

While the Germans gave the English fir trees, and the Lords gave their servants Boxing Day, Carols came from heaven above, [that I’d like to see] the Swiss Alps, and the church organist or court composer.

While the Brits gave us bonbons and beef, the Germans gave us pork and ham, gingerbread and stolen, and my personal favourite marzipan.

The Italians added panettone, the Scots shortbread, the Aussies have added seafood to better their forebears, and lamb to spite the Kiwis. The Yanks just could not do a single festive meal without turkey and cranberries served with a large dollop of calories.

So the table is full. Well it is actually insanely overloaded. Few familial homes will suffer from a lack of kilojoules in December or January.

It is not through oversight that ciders, sparkling wines, red, whites and moselle for grandma, beer for the boys, breezers for the girls and spirits for the spirit of Christmas have not received a mention, as the demon drink is on all party lists.

Normally as item 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, and ever thereafter.

While 85 percent of the population enjoy breaks, our law enforcers scurry to and fro managing domestic violence. The pressure cooker of the familial home, packed with several generations, religions, ethnicities, egos, likes and dislikes is set to go off like a drag queen’s chastity belt.

In my mind all the good things in life are wasted in Festive season excesses. So let’s keep some perspective as we gorge on three jean sizes of amazing fresh food. Why not retain a semblance of your regular routine – eat a proper regular breakfast, start the day with some physical activity to get the blood flowing? Try not to do any more than three familial ‘monster meals’ on any given day; and in Jewish proverbial form, ‘. . . put a knife to your throat, if you have a strong desire for food…’

Enjoy the club party, join the team’s annual celebration. But don’t forget to get out to play, there are lots of choices at


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