How much will you bid for your boyfriend?

Intensive research undertaken by psychologist John Gottman resulted in him being able to observe a couple for fewer than five minutes and predict with a 95 percent accuracy if they would stay together or not.

His observations were based on the concept of “bidding”. If one person bids to another and the other bids back positively then that is a moving towards bid.

Let me explain. Peter comes home and says to Paul, “Hi darling, how did the interview go?”

“Great, I think they were impressed. How did your presentation go?”

This is good bidding as it is bidding towards each other. Paul’s reply could have been, “Alright”. This is called not bidding towards.

Another reply could be, “Why?” This is a turning away bid.

This is what Gottman means when he talks about partners bidding: bidding towards, not bidding, or turning away. He filmed thousands of couples in his research to determine the indicators on whether a couple would stay together or not.

Bids are not only through conversations. They can be gestures like small presents, cooking dinner, driving him to work, buying flowers, making tea, booking theatre tickets, washing his underwear, etc.

Gottman also concluded that a relationship needs five positive bids for every negative bid to build a good union.

Practising conscious bidding is especially valuable when the relationship has passed the limerence period, which is the period when you fall head over heels for someone and you are in a love bubble for six to 12 months. When the bubble bursts and you start to see reality, and his faults, extra work like bidding is vital to keep the relationship on a positive love track.

Gottman’s research also concludes that people who bid well in other areas of their life also succeed enormously in those areas.

For instance, workers who put their heads down, and do not bid well, are amazed when they are not promoted above others they consider do not work as hard as they do. What they have forgotten to do is bid towards workmates and their managers. Workmates who take an interest in the lives of others and share their own are more likely to advance in the corporate world. No big surprises there!

So guys, let’s start bidding well at home and elsewhere. Life becomes so much more fun with bidding towards each other. When we do it we feel more connected, validated, and listened to. We create a greater sense of self-confidence in others and ourselves.

Let me start you off with this bid, “How’s your day been and just how lovely is your boyfriend?” Email me at [email protected] to reply.

INFO: Gerry North is a gay counsellor in Surry Hills. www.gaycounselling.vpweb.com.au

By GERRY NORTH