Are you out to your grandparents? I ask this question because Nan was the only person I avoided telling I was gay. Why? I was scared she wouldn’t love me as much and I didn’t want her to have a heart attack.

Nan is stuck in her ways and loves to vocalise her deeply conservative views. Imagine a footy nut yelling at the TV on Grand Final day. That’s how Nan watches the nightly news. Except she disses boat people instead of umpires, calls environmentalists “poofters” and worships Tony Abbott’s athleticism.

I figured if this old fart had such narrow-minded views about the world, she didn’t deserve to know the truth about her only grandkid.

But it wasn’t just me keeping my mouth shut. Even Mum didn’t know how Nan would take it so we decided to omit this small, pesky detail. I guess we figured Nan wouldn’t be around for too much longer so why stress the poor bugger out.

The family even covered for me — I didn’t have a boyfriend because I was a career girl and guys just got in the way. Never mind all those midweek all-nighters spent cruising lesbian bars.

So we were quite surprised the day Grandma Sherlock Holmes called my aunty and asked straight out if I was gay. Not wanting to be the rat, my aunty played dumb — but when asked, Mum confirmed that, yes, Moni was a muff-diver.

Turns out Nan had eavesdropped on a conversation at Christmas where my gayness was the hot topic. She’d been having a “nap” in the next room after Christmas lunch and heard it all. Sneaky. She’d been sitting on this information for months.

Mum called to warn me that Nan knew and that she’d need time to come to terms with it. I was shit-scared so avoided seeing her for weeks.

The day came when I had to face Nan at a family birthday. Reluctantly I walked up to her, uncertain if she’d greet me with the same enthusiasm she always had — so I felt pretty silly when she gave me a big hug and said “Why didn’t you tell me? I still love ya”.

After that day I stopped underestimating old people. And today I live in hope that one day Nan might even vote Green. Shyeah, right.

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