AQUARIUS

JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18

Having trouble sleeping? Stop counting sheep, only kids count sheep to fall asleep. Count your debts, your mistakes, your heartache and cry yourself to sleep like a grown up. As for your health and fitness this month, nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries. Surprise, surprise, apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape.

PISCES

FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20

Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimming switch. As for your love life, here is a dating tip: dating is the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit. While you are surprised that you are still single, everyone else is surprised you can dress yourself. Also, you will experience several emotions this month. Mostly hunger.

TAURUS

APRIL 20 – May 20

Here’s some advice: a recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. Remember that next time you are around a heavy-set woman. If and when you get married, be careful, I have foreseen your future. If you allow your partner to write their own vowels it will probably include the phrase “Dat ass, tho”… best to be aware of that now so you’re not surprised on your big day.

GEMINI

MAY 21 – JUNE 20

Happy new year, welcome to another year of being single. Let’s reflect for a moment — 2014: single; 2015: single. Good on you for the consistency, keep it up. Death is coming for you, so it’s best to plan ahead. If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “BRB” instead of “RIP”. Have you ever updated one of those mobile apps and realised the “fixed issues” were all a lie and it will never be the same? That’s what’s going to happen this month if you try to fix anything, whether it be in your life or others. Take the month off and let’s hope for the better next month.

CANCER

June 21 – JULY 22

One second, I need to finish my coffee before I get into your horror-scope for this month… that’s better. Well, aren’t you in for a doozy this month. You are better off doing the Jesus thing by hiding in a cave for a month behind a really big boulder until things blow over. According to the cosmos, this month you will be dumber than ever, you will be the type of person who when you talk, people will wonder who ties your shoelaces for you. As for your love life, the stars indicate to me that you’re going to make some cats very happy one day.

LEO

JULY 23 – AUGUST 22

And then God created Saturn… and he liked it, so he put a ring on it. Unfortunately for you, no one likes you and no one will put a ring on your finger. Want a tissue? I’m told this paper stock is environmentally friendly and bio-degradable, and absorbs water — just tear a bit off the corner for those weepy eyes. Haven’t you pissed off the cosmos this month. According to the stars, your life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. You can try putting it together. It may look ok but eventually it won’t and will never feel quite right.

VIRGO

AUGUST 23 – September 22

Sometimes your friends wish they could put you in airplane mode. Yep, you annoy them beyond human expectation, petal. Oh, you only just realised that? Well… congratulations. Here, have gold medal. Also, your stars indicate that you will have an unproductive month. You know that feeling when you get super motivated to do something and then the second you get home, you’re like… nah? Yeah, you’ll have that.

LIBRA

SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22

Shit happens, step; over it. Unless it’s you’re dogs, then clean it up. Chances are this month it will be yours, so it might be time to invest in adult diapers. This has nothing to do with the fact I just bought shares in an adult diaper company, and that I want sales to go up so I can retire rich. Funnily enough, doing horror-scopes doesn’t pay very well… what was I saying? Oh, yeah. Careful, you will crap your dacks this month.

SCORPIO

OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER 21

There may be no excuse for laziness, but it’s good to see that you are still looking. But in seriousness don’t ever be a victim of your own life. Don’t go around with “I can’t do it because of something/someone” bullshit. You are in charge. In saying that, people of your star sign really should be made to establish a minimum IQ before being allowed access to having public opinion, especially on the internet.

SAGITTARIUS

NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21

Word of advice for the workplace if you encounter a workmate before coffee: they hate you. After coffee: they feel good about hating you. You will suffer from stress in the new year. Did you know that the proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person that pissed you off? Also, your stars indicate to me that you need a life tip, so here it is: I’ve found that if you tuck one part of a pants’ leg into your sock, people expect less of you.

CAPRICORN

DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19

Wouldn’t it be nice if your wallet came with free refills, as your financial outlook this month is grim and those free refills would be very helpful for you this month. I’ve looked at your stars and they tell me that you have people who constantly annoy you. Next time someone asks you what have you been up to, simply answer “I’ve been digging holes in the forest”. That is a sure-fire way of making sure they never bother you again.

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