Coming out after the wedding

Whenever a married public figure is revealed to be less than totally heterosexual, such as the recent example of US Senator Larry Craig arrested in a public toilet, they are often mocked and accused of selfishly hurting lives.
But Gary Hodson, president of the Gay and Married Men’s Association (GAMMA), says men finding themselves in that situation are more common than generally believed and often struggle alone.
“It would be fantastic if every guy knew their sexuality at 17 and could spend their life as they wished,” Hodson said.
GAMMA runs a helpline and meetings twice a month to help married or divorced men with support and advice from legal, health and relationship professionals.
“We’re still getting guys in their 20s and 30s coming to our meetings – a lot have kids,” Hodson said. “Many knew they were interested in other men, but said they wanted kids or felt everybody gets married.”
Those who come to meetings range from those who have already accepted being gay and face breaking up their families, to those who tell themselves they’re straight but have sex with guys.
“Very often the first time they’ve used the words ‘I could be bi’ or ‘I could be gay’ is when they phone GAMMA for the first time,” Hodson said.
 “We’re here to support them in their journey and empower them to make better choices. We certainly have men who are definitely not leaving and staying in the marriage.”
The reasons for resisting once they know their same-sex attraction are many, Hodson said, including an absolute fear of catching HIV.
“They just assume that all gay men have AIDS and they’ll catch it if they have anything to do with them,” he said.
Much of GAMMA’s work is based around ensuring the men are protecting themselves and their partners – male or female. For those who have already made the step to come out and end the relationship it doesn’t necessarily get easier.
“We get people sharing intense stories: ‘My 16-year-old son says he hates all poofters, what am I going to do about that?’”
GAMMA meets every first and third Wednesday of the month at ACON headquarters. The hotline is 1800 804 617 or 9267 4000. Further information at www.gamma.org.au.