My god it’s 2005. That makes me how many years old? Like everyone says, wine just get better with age. Or is that cheese gets smellier with age? Shit I don’t know. Well, it is time to get the same old resolutions out and dust them off. Usually mine last for about 30 minutes but I have a feeling this year could be different. Maybe a whole week, but I don’t want to set anything in stone.

1. Get a boyfriend. This one is not really for myself but is more as revenge towards my friends. For the last 10 years I have had to listen to, He didn’t call me, He just looked at someone else, and my favourite, His phone is off, he must be cheating! I am going to torture them and it’s going to be great. But this resolution is a long way off and I will update you if anything comes up.

2. Lose 20kg. I am talking about 20kg of old costumes I have lying around the house. I think it is time to visit St Vincent de Paul again with a little care package. Last time I dropped off three bags full of old costumes, within a week I started to see quite a few hookers out and about in sequin numbers that looked very familiar. Good on you girls.

3. I will clean my house more! I have spoken about this numerous times and the more I talk about it, the more I really want to do it. But always I find that something better comes along and I’m off. My house has been described many different ways. That it’s like a workshop, has been stirred with a stick, a bomb has gone off in it and -“ how can I forget -“ it’s where Mardi Gras finishes. I have toyed with the idea of getting hypnotised and getting them to suggest I be tidier. I’m a wo-man on the edge. I will try anything! Maybe I should buy a vacuum first?

4. Make more friends. I am really very lucky to be doing something that I love for a job. Not many people are able to say they enjoy going to work every day and get paid for it. This year I will make an extra effort to actually meet at least two new people a day. And here comes the hard bit, I will try to actually remember their names aren’t Darl or Sexy.

Well there you go, for all and sundry to see. Am I going to do it? Who knows? But like the Shithouse files, the can of worms has been opened, so there’s no turning back now.

I hope all of my readers have a fabulous 2005. Remember to save your money as Mardi Gras will be here very soon. And Cher isn’t performing there, or is she? Who knows!

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