Marriage with a twist

Despite our dark-aged laws banning queers from getting hitched, I’ve known of a few gay marriages in my time.

Not the boy-meets-boy, girl-meets-girl, boy-loves-boy, girl-loves-girl kind. More the kind where a person gets married to their high school boyfriend or girlfriend despite their incredibly obvious -“ to everyone else -“ gayness.

It generally goes like this: Couple gets married in ridiculous, expensive ceremony, couple gets presents, gay friends get drunk and predict its demise, and couple gets divorced a year later. Difficult coming out, minor family scandal and new homo relationship follow.

What’s this all about? Sure, people have fluid sexualities, and some people take a bit more time to reach complete happy gayness.

But getting married is such an extreme thing to do if there’s even a hint of doubt on either side. Surely if a bride-to-be is pashing a random girl at her hen’s night then she’s aware that maybe something’s not quite right.

Surely it’s not a good sign if a groom drops into Headquarters on his way home from his buck’s turn.

I guess denial is a powerful tool for both gay marrieds-to-be and their clueless partners.

Classic US advice columnist Dear Abby printed a letter from a lady named Needs To Know this week. Seems NTK’s husband-to-be regularly hits on NTK’s gay friends, keeps gay porn under his mattress and only watches boys on TV. Is he gay? she asks. Should I marry him in three months? she wonders.

Abby, to her credit, suggests that yes, he might be gay or yes, he might be bisexual, and no, perhaps she should hold off on the wedding plans until they’ve at least had a conversation about it.

It may come as a surprise to people like Needs To Know, but Abby reckons straight men don’t usually keep gay porn under their mattresses.

I know I ought to feel for my gay brothers and sisters in their tough post-marriage coming-outs, but I can’t stop thinking about the presents. Can I ask for them back? Not the sheets, obviously, but the glasses might come in handy.

Perhaps, when Australia catches up to more civilised countries and we can all have ceremonies with legal recognition, we can make a new gay clause: Presents only on-loan until one year of happy marriage passes.