“F**k you, I’m done with being respectful”

“F**k you, I’m done with being respectful”

For pretty much our entire lives, we’re forced to think about the version of ourselves we put across in public.

As LGBTQIA people, we’re burdened by a supposed need to modulate our behaviour, our speech, our looks. Don’t dress too queer. Stay in the closet at work. Better not hold hands on this street, just in case.

We’re not the only ones who have to do this. Women, people of colour, people with disabilities, and more – many of whom are also queer – suffer the same societal pressures.

Unfortunately, this is the reality we must contend with: one in which we battle to be seen as human so we can express ourselves and live authentically.

The marriage equality debate has delivered a concentrated assault on our collective personhood, but in more insidious forms than ever before.

Those who advocate for a No vote are mortally offended at the suggestion that they might be doing so out of thinly-veiled bigotry when they consistently insult our ability to love, to parent, and to exist.

Conversely, many on the Yes side insist we need to handle these people with kid gloves, to concede to their right to hurt and harm us with.

Newspapers publish insipid think pieces where people say they might vote No just to make a point, or conservative ideologues blathering about the sanctity of “traditional” marriage as though Elizabeth Taylor should have more of a right to be a seven-time divorcée than I should.

Keeping this in mind, I’ve reached a point where I simply don’t give a hot, steaming shit about whether or not someone is offended by our demands for equality.

I’m sick of feeling like I should keep being some faggy Oliver Twist begging the hetero sirs for more scraps.

I’m utterly exhausted by the notion that my elders spent so long fighting against the scourge of respectability that caged them for so long, the kind that forced them to stay in the closet, or found them on the receiving end of violence both unprovoked and institutional.

The insistence that we respect people who would fundamentally prefer we disappear so they don’t have to think about us anymore is as hurtful as it is infuriating.

Yet even if we get to hold a Mardi Gras once a year and live relatively freely, attacks still happen.

Drag queens still come to the rescue of men being attacked on Oxford St. Queer people still take their lives, and still can’t overcome the anxiety of the closet. Young people still find themselves homeless because of their sexuality or because they identify beyond the archaic boundaries of the gender binary.

Let’s be clear: this shit is fucked. It makes me apoplectic. But we’re not supposed to say that; the oppression of respectability is still there, it’s just more underhanded than before.

Of course, it’s fine if marriage equality is your personal endgame. If the right to marry means equality for you, more power to you. But don’t hang up your rainbow flags if we achieve it.

There is so much more that needs doing and we still don’t have the privilege to leave anyone behind.

The American political establishment’s horrendous assault on trans rights is a good indication of just one thing we’ll have to contend with if and when marriage equality is finally put to rest.

Ultimately, “respectful” is no longer something I can be.

If you’re voting no, fuck you. If you’re using the marriage equality debate to denigrate the validity of any identity that falls under the rainbow banner, fuck you. If you’re voting Yes but still plan to vote for anyone who foisted this postal survey upon us at the next election, fuck you.

Otherwise, we’re just playing into the hands of a system that still has a desire to minimise the visibility, equality, and happiness of queer people rotting its foundations.

If being “respectful” means Australia will drag its feet on other rights battles as much as it has marriage equality, will it really be worth it?

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15 responses to ““F**k you, I’m done with being respectful””

  1. I can’t wait to Marriage Equality comes in…
    Why? Because all the haters out there…all the Miranda Devines,the Johnny Howard’s…the John Laws out there..
    The Religious nutters….all the hypocrites ….they,yes they will become the Minority Group…
    People will remember the hate they supported for decades….And they will get theirs….
    Hopefully a one-way ticket to North Korea or to ISIS to make them feel more at home…
    I’ll even suggest a head start for them….even better an escort to the Airport…

  2. Just in case people reading these comments never associate with anyone who disagrees with them, I’ll see if they’re open minded enough to hear a No voter’s perspective (without swearing or getting angry in response) –

    There’s no reason different committed adult relationships can’t have equal legal rights. I thought they already largely did, but by all means let’s change that if they don’t. I have no problem with their being a ‘committed relationships act’ which puts different adult relationships on an equal footing.

    What I don’t get is, what is the necessity of getting rid of male/female marriage? For that is exactly what is proposed, everyone is to be lumped in together in the new institution of genderless marriage. Who needs this? It’s an incredibly boring idea that mixes the colours of the rainbow into grey.

    Whatever their sexuality, it is significant to almost all people a)what their gender is and b)what the gender of their partner is. It’s not ok to take the recognition of what there relationship is away from them. I feel that there’s a bizarre push for a genderless society in progress which largely doesn’t correlate with the interests of your community.

    What needs working on is equal recognition of different relationships, not the obliteration of difference.

    There are plenty of intelligent, loving people (straight and gay) who are voting No out of a love of what marriage is now, without a bone of hate for or fear of people whom this relationship doesn’t suit. I don’t think you’re inferior if man/woman marriage is not for you. I mean don’t you care about the identity of your community? Why be consumed into an overwhelmingly heterosexual institution?

  3. Yes, well said, Laurence. I am pretty sure the ABC’s Q&A program would never invite a white supremacist onto the panel to discuss indigenous issues because the white supremacist would simply give us his personal opinion of all aboriginal people. In that situation the ABC would think “bugger freedom of speech”. But inviting an anti-gay campaigner onto the panel to discuss LGBTI issues is somehow logical and not at all counter productive. Wha-?
    Being gay is not about love, it is not about coupling, and it is not about sex. For me for the last fifty years being gay has been about survival. Thirty one years HIV positive, fifty eight years poofter bashed. Which one will get me first?

  4. The older gay generation is wrong for remaining respectful? Don’t be such an abusive pest. We chipped away at the issue whilst avoiding increased hate crimes.

  5. Yes, this entire Survey is totally unnecessary. I never have been able to understand why Malcolm Turnbull – remember he defeated Abbott by 10 Votes when Abbott became unacceptable to the Australian Public – compare that to the single (his own) vote which saw him oust Turnbull back in 2009 – took on NSW Federal Liberal MP Tony Abbott’s deceitful, dishonest “promise” (and we all know what any of our politicians – ALP or LNP – are worth, don’t we?) to hold a Non-Binding Plebiscite on the subject of Same Gender marriage rather than opting for a Binding Referendum – this in itself was possibly dangerous because if the Voters had said “No” then that would have been the end of the issue for quite some time.
    Just as with the so-called “Energy Crisis” it is time Malcolm Turnbull sat down with Bill Shorten and started actually working together for the Benefit of ALL Australians. It is time they simply ignored the red-necks, the bigots within their ranks – and, Yes, they are there in the ALP every bit as much as they are in the LNP camp.
    The two Major Parties working together, co-operating together on Our behalf – not just the GLTBIQ Community but Everyone – and got the changes which are so needed in place.
    It’s time to stop the constant Negativity by both sides.
    This stupid Survey should be treated like all other Surveys. There should be No Advertising – For or Against – Media Coverage until the results are announced. No “Yes” or “No” campaigns trying to persuade us one way or the other. We should, as with all other Surveys, simply be left to make up our own minds and vote accordingly.
    Whatever the result not one of our politicians are under any obligation to act. It is just a survey and no different to one which asks us:
    “Which do you prefer: Beef, Lamb, Pork?
    Please tick the appropriate box.

  6. No LGBTI person or Advocate should vote LNP ever again after this discriminatory shit fight survey. If you do, you are voting for a party that threw us all under a bus to appease their religious right factions and voter base. Keep in mind church and state are supposed to be separate, church should never influence the state in its governing of its people. Think about that for a minute..They condoned and set up a platform for the bullies and a section of the religious communities to bash up a vulnerable minority.

    This is like the high school principle ignoring all its LGBTI students and their parents and most of the teachers, begging him not to let this happen. Some of the teachers in his school of course think he is making a great decision, the likes of Abbott and others and though they are only a minority, the principle listens to them and not the others. All stand by helpless as they watch him drag the LGBTI kids out to the oval for them to try and survive being beaten up by a pack of hatefilled homophobic bigots and religious zealots. The ones who are on the side lines have been made to watch in horror, while others cheer it all on with their vote. In that world the principle would be fired and would never get a position of power and management again.

    In our real world the haters and bullies scream “free speech to discriminate” from the sideline useing the Prime ministers opinion invitation they recieved in the mail as the reason for why it is ok to vilify and hate on a minotity. And our Priminister keeps his job.

    Years of hard work shutting those discriminatory bigoted voices down, in my opinion, has now been damaged for some time to come. They were there under their rocks and most did not dare let us see or hear them thanks to discrimination laws that protected us. This has given them all some sort of sick get out of jail free card.

    If any of my community or its advocates ever forget this and the toll it has had on all of us and still vote LNP in the future, YOU ARE a part of the problem and will never understand what it is to be a part of the solution. I have never voted for the LNP but in my opinion what they have put us all through is outrageous and completely unforgivable. Never forget it!

  7. “People of colour”
    Fucking hell! Let this term die a death already, at least outside of the States!!!

  8. I couldn’t agree more. This whole postal popularity contest is so unnecessary and deceive. I am angry with the liberals for forcing this issue, I’m angry with labour for not doing something when they were in power, or stopping Little johnny Howard when they were in opposition, I’m sick of it being called gay marriage.. when it’s about equality. Do you think a section of the Australian population should be afforded the same equal rights that the rest of you take for granted? No? Well fuck you!! Yes? Well it’s about time for fucks sake!! And how are we supposed to all act once this is over? Like it never happened? Like we weren’t judged and all the horrible people who said disgusting untrue things about us never meant them? I am disappointed with the entire political system and the major parties for letting this happen to us.
    I’m tied of playing nice. What a $122 million waste of time and effort. And the battle isn’t even won if the answer comes back yes, the politicians still get a ‘conscience vote and you know already who is going to vote no and who will vote yes. Grow a pair Turnbill, but that’s probably too much to ask for. As usual, it’s the gays who will have to prove to be the bigger and better men!! (or better people, let’s not forget our sisters!)

  9. I really don’t blame you one bit for being angry. I also feel deeply angry and insulted by the nasty campaign of lies and bigotry being rolled out by the ACL and others under a phony veneer of reasonableness.

    But please try to understand that this kind of reaction from us is exactly what the other side wants. They want us to get angry and be abusive so that they can sit on their high horses and say ‘look at the way those people are behaving. We are the reasonable ones here.’

    Let’s all stay cool and not give the other side even more ammunition. Let’s soldier on and try to persuade as many people as possible. If someone wants to vote no, don’t abuse them, just move on to the next person and keep trying to make the case. Eventually, if we hold our nerve and keep up the hard work, we will win.

  10. Sounds like a who’s the biggest Victim competition.

    Marriage quality is only the tip of the iceberg… the things to follow in its wake will likely be the death of democracy and the autocratic society…

    Brexit in England, Trump in America, The No vote in Australia…

    Brace yourselves

  11. When we show respect our demands are ignored and when we get angry they demand we show respect.
    I’m with you absolutely. I’m totally exasperated that I’m having to fight a massive campaign of homophobia yet again. I did it for gay law reform, I did it for the AIDS pandemic, I did it for civil partnerships.
    There was a time when our protests were full of biting humour targeting our oppressors and pilloried political and religious dinosaurs. We didn’t worry about offending the conservative parties of Australia because we were well aware they were our enemies, they had no respect for us and at every opportunity they would deny us our rights and in Parliaments around the country vote against those rights, or wind them back as the LNP did in Queensland a few years back.
    But then something weird happened, the head of Pride in Queensland demanded we be polite to the LNP Government because we won’t get what we want by being agro. Signs deemed politically offensive to the LNP were banned from the Pride rally – seriously, WTF?
    I have total contempt for any LGBTI person who supports those parties that deny our rights to equality and so enthusiastically jump on the homophobic bandwagon and put the lives of young people at greater risk of self harm and violence. I have ended friendships with gay men for that very reason because their weird form of Stockholm Syndrome shows disrespect for those who came before them and fought for the rights they now enjoy and shows total ignorance of where we’ve come from and how we got to this point.
    I’m over being polite. There is nothing to respect in those opposed to our rights, nothing at all, because their position is build on a foundation of hate, whether they see it or not.