valvoWhen Melbourne comedian Nath Valvo starts describing something called the Saturn Return, it’s then that you start to realise he’s not coping well with the idea of turning 30 this year.

It’s a big jump for anyone but Valvo has dedicated his whole Melbourne International Comedy Festival show, Almost 30, to this milestone.

“I’m a little bit reluctant to turn the big 3-0,” he told the Star Observer.

“I’m 29-years-old but I haven’t finished going through puberty yet. I don’t know if that’s the norm for a 29-year-old. When Justin Bieber has a bigger chest than you it makes you a bit nervous about life.

“I’ve just got this history of awful birthday parties, I try so hard to be the centre of attention and I try so hard to look cool in front of my friends but it just falls to pieces every fucking year, year after year.”

It’s at about this point that Valvo starts describing Saturn Return: a space of several years between your late 20s and mid-30s when the planet Saturn (stay with me) returns to the same point in the sky when you were born.

“So for every single person at 28, 29 or 30… something quite dramatic changes in your life,” Valvo explained.

“This hippie shit, I can’t stop thinking about it, I think I’m doing it wrong.

“There has to be something wrong with me here so this show is a celebration of really awful birthday parties and shit gone wrong like my mum got so maggoted she passed out at my 16th.

“At my 13th, this guy I didn’t want at my party nearly drowned in a lake. At my 29th I ended up in an extremely awkward situation with a big, hot black man in New York City that scarred me for life.”

What the bigger, more important life change will be, Valvo can’t say for sure, but he flirted with the idea he might meet an eligible bachelor.

“Well a gay guy can’t say ‘put a ring on it’ because that has a different meaning in our community, doesn’t it?”

Almost 30 runs until April 21 at The Annexe, Trades Hall.


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