Surrogacy and gay dads
When it comes to having kids, gay and lesbian couples face a few obvious logistical problems over and above the sheer drama of bringing them up. We caught up with gay couple Matt and Martin who gave the lowdown on their chosen path to parenthood.
Choosing surrogacy
After a lot of research we found that this was the best option for us.
Surrogacy is a regular practice in the US and we decided to go to California as this is one of the few places in the world where two men could be on the birth certificate. We also found we were covered completely legally and we didn’t want to take any risks or not know exactly where we stood throughout the process.
Medically they have some of the best IVF doctors in the world and, as Matt’s sister is our egg donor, healthcare was a priority.
Finding a surrogate mother
We found our surrogate mother through a surrogacy agency in San Diego called Surrogate Alternative.
After researching and interviewing agencies we registered with Surrogate Alternative and began going through a database of surrogate mothers and creating a profile about us as a couple and our motivation to be parents.
We read through their profiles about themselves, their families and their motivation to be a surrogate. Once we narrowed it down to a few surrogates we began the process of talking with them and once we spoke with the woman who was to be our surrogate, we knew straight away that she was the one and she felt the same about us.
Long-distance mothering
We don’t have any issues at all. We talk to her a lot, whether by emails, phone calls or photos on a weekly basis.
We spent a lot of time getting to know her and her family when we were in the US and it helps when you get along so well. Her husband and family are amazing and supportive of the process and she has the most wonderful daughter.
Being able to communicate freely with her was a quality that was at the top of our list (other than the obvious healthy lifestyle etc) when we were choosing a surrogate mother, so we felt we were on the pregnancy journey with her. And she’s not afraid to call us at any hour to share information like her morning sickness or the growth of her belly.
Other gay dads in the village
You’d be surprised at how many there are in Australia alone, let alone around the world, who have been through surrogacy or are in the process of doing it.
We were lucky enough to find a great online support group called Gay Dads Australia (gaydadsaustralia.com.au). This is a fantastic group of gay dads and families who share and collate their experience and knowledge into an online forum and support group that anyone wanting to become a gay dad can join. They have forums for each state and a national forum specifically for gay dads going through surrogacy.
Essential advice
Do your research. That is definitely the most important part. We spent the best part of a year researching and talking to people before making our move.
Find others who have done the same thing -” you’ll need the support and experience they can provide. We would be more than happy to talk with anyone looking at the possibility of starting their family through surrogacy.
We want to show people and create awareness of the options. Even if you are gay, that doesn’t mean you can’t be a parent. Whether you go through adoption or surrogacy or co-parenting, the fact you’re going to these great lengths just shows you want it more, are ready, and will be a great parent.
Gaydadsaustralia.com
Gay Dads Australia is an online portal which aims to provide gay dads, from across the nation, with the opportunity to network, discuss and discover support services available to same-sex parents or those who are planning on becoming gay parents.
The website provides a list of state-based gay dads’ local support groups and a section devoted to news coverage of gay parenting. There’s also a resource section which includes a library crammed full of parenting information, including discussions on rights and parenting in general. It explores the breadth of parenting options -” adoption, co-parenting, fostering, married or divorced dads and surrogacy -” as well as providing a comprehensive look at surrogacy and how to achieve it.
Gaydadsaustralia.com also has a section devoted to real life stories, putting human faces to experiences of gay parenting. Those who use the website regularly can also post their own stories.
info: For further details visit gaydadsaustralia.com
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NSW, VIC, TAS and QLD in 2010 have passed laws for gay dads to be recognised through altrustic surrogacy arrangements!!!!!
I personally think that it is wonderful that you get to be a parent depsite your sexuality. Shocking that we think we can judge others.
I dont think that comparing foundations of relationships & parenting between the orientations is going to achieve anything of greater value toward this veiw that you’re expressing, james. Whether it be 2 of the same or 1 of each, those who wish to be a parent are more than entitled to. If you feel that same sex parenting is morally wrong,which by all means you’re entitled to your own opinion,perhaps it might be of some assistance for you to reverse the psychology. How would you feel if someone blasted you on the street for walking around with your baby, calling you a “breeder” or “spawn of satan” & giving you filthy looks? I’m sure you would feel 110%. Just because someone’s sexuality is different to yours, doesn’t mean the emotions aren’t the same. Everybody is entitled to love: be them gay,straight,bisexual,transgender,intersex or queer.
If you want to hate on someone else’s life,take a good long look at your own, & i’m sure there’s a few flaws in it,as well as within yourself. All love is equal,no matter the source. But I tell you something: had you expressed your negative views to me,just walking down the street,i’d most likely clap you over the ears.
Ignorance isn’t always bliss, as indeed passion divides us all, making somethings best left unsaid.
I have a few friends from Gay Dads,who need friends from out of their ring or regular group..At least five of them told me they like to have a few new friends now and thn,cause variety is the spice of life and removes boredom in any long friendship.Rajat Mathew,University of QLD.Parenting is difficult for many and I feel the kids are at risk sometimes.
Jason you are entitled to your view – but in my view, you are wrong and generalising.
After reading this article, I have to say that I don’t support same sex couples adopting children. Every time someone says “good quality parenting” it undermines the undeniable complimentary value of a man and woman, a father and mother. I think same sex adoption goes against natural law and is a forced situation which compromises the development of 100% innocent children.
I think parenting should be left to one man and one woman working together to raise children. Same sex couples raising children is just a pantomime and parody of heterosexual parenting and will not do any good.
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how do you decide who will be your surrogate and what you should you cover? Do you give them any compensation besides that for doctors’ visits, maternity clothes and food
Hi guys,
So happy for you, i hope we could achieve like you did.
We are about to work with the same agency. Were you happy with SAI?
Best
Based on our surrogacy experience, we’ve put together quite a bit of information on Surrogacy in India at:
http://www.globaldoctoroptions.com/surrogacy-india-guide/432
Intended Parents may find it helpful. Both adoption and surrogacy are complicated choices to pursue, each in their oown way.
Congratulations to the 2 dads.
As a straight dad to many little rainbow children it is a profound joy to create a new little person and to raise them. I hope to march with you at the next MG with The Rainbow Babies & Kids
James, social science research will tell you it is not the gender or sexuality of the parents which influences a child’s development, it is the quality of the parenting. The reality in society is that families are diverse and take many different forms, depending upon cultural or other backgrounds. If you are inferring by “I think a child deserves more than to be brought into this world by a surrogate or gay couple” that a child is better off with opposite sex parents in the “traditional” model of a family, then I would invite you to come down to the Family Court (or even better the Children’s Court)to see the fabulous job of parenting being done by heterosexual parents, and the impact their self absorbed conflict is having on their children.
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Jason – not sure what statistics you are referring to. I think that a child deserves more than to be bought into this world by surrogate and a gay couple. I hope this child doesn’t grow up with any head noises, but I’d say that the chances are slim. This is just so wrong on so many levels.
And I repeat, I don’t know who Andrew Bolt is, nor do I care.
James – “I would have said the same thing (and I have) had it been a hetero couple. Being a gay couple (or a couple without a mother), it makes it worse”
Im surpised that you dont know who Andrew Bolt is, I thought he would be somebody you would admire. I could easily log onto google and find some reputable statistics to counter your claim but ive got better things to do. If your hoping a lot of users will agree with your views, your on the wrong website.
Jason – I would have said the same thing (and I have) had it been a hetero couple. Being a gay couple (or a couple without a mother), it makes it worse.
I don’t know Andrew Bolt.
And James why dont you go and post your comments on Andrew Bolts forum on news.com.au where Im sure your comments will be much appreciated by a like minded minority as yourself. PO.
James – “Why would you treat a child like a commodity? These people should have simply bought a dog. This makes me sick”
Umm who said they were treating the child like a commodity ? Do you personally know these guys ? How about James you tell me something about your hetrosexual family life and then I’ll make a comment. If it was a hetrosexual couple would you have made the comments you made ?
Why would you treat a child like a commodity? These people should have simply bought a dog. This makes me sick.
I fully congradulate the two men with their children now and into the future. I only hope the state Governments here were more understanding, and should legally allow gay dads the same rights as heterosexual dads.