Dear Santa,
I’ve been a pretty kickass girl this year so if it’s okay with you I want this stuff. Thanks.
First on my list is a bird tattoo ‘cos tattoos are badass but birds are like peaceful n’ shit, and that suits my “soft-butch” brand. It’ll look sick on my pelvis like it’s flying out of my Bonds. I’m not sure if you have mad ink skillz, even though you’re magical, but I’d be happy with a gift voucher anyways. Or maybe the elf could do it.
The second thing I want is Ruby Rose. I know you can’t give me a person, ‘cos that’s like abduction, but Ruby is small and would probably fit down the chimney (just sayin’). So if you could book her for my New Year’s party that’d be rad. Also, can she be wearing that hawt DJ outfit she wore at the ARIAs? When I saw that I was like “man, I can see Ruby Rose’s boobs” but I couldn’t see her nipples so does that count as “seeing” them? I figured you’d know.
Third on my list, please Santa, is an Olivia Cruise. I’ve holidayed in Daylesford but the ratio of lesbians to straight chicks there was not cool. I got way too many knock backs from hotties with knob-head boyfriends. I can think of nothing sweeter than being stuck in the middle of the ocean with 2000 psyched-up lesbians like myself. I hope Bette and Tina are there.
I’m not sure how many presents I can ask for but I also want a cool cat like the ones on Instagram. If it can do tricks or has a cute deformity or even a mohawk that’d be good.
Speaking of hairdos, I’ve totally run out of my super essential Short Sexy Hair Hard Up Gel, my American Crew Fibre Putty as well as my Dust It Matifying Powder so if you could swing me a never-ending supply of those that’d be sweet as. I could also do with a new pillowcase. Mine’s totally mank.
Finally Santa, I’d like to request a gift on behalf of queers everywhere. If you happen to visit Prime Minister Gillard on your travels can you please get her to legalise same-sex marriage? If I “see” boob on New Year’s one thing might lead to another.
Yours truly,
Lez B. Anne
INFO: You can follow Monique Schafter on Twitter @MoniqueSchafter
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