Aquarius

Jan 21–Feb 19

Love, this month you will feel as though the people around you are trying to control every aspect of your day-to-day being. It would be good for you to remember that if you were meant to be controlled, you would have come with a remote. As for your love life, you seem to be pitching higher than what you should be aiming for. If you get them and want to keep them, feed it so much that he or she gets too fat for anyone else to want.

Pisces

Feb 20–Mar 20

I hope manners is the next cool trend. Yes, I am directing that at you, your manners are the pits. If there were a garage you could go to get a tune up like your car but for manners, you’d need an emergency visit. From what the stars tell me about your life and your love life, half of you is a hopeless romantic, the other half of you is, well, an a-hole.

Aries

Mar 21–Apr 20

I am not 100 per cent sure what is happening in your life this month, petal. However, you would be good to heed this warning from the stars above — never trust a man wearing more than zero necklaces. But in good news, mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for you, they don’t laugh either. Later this month you might want to remember that while the truth might set you free, lying might keep you out of jail.

Taurus

Apr 21–May 21

Because you are a painfully boring person, to come across as more interesting than the moss-on-a-rock kind of person you are, try quoting interesting facts to people. Such as this one: no one has ever been in an empty room. People will instantly find you fascinating and invite you out more often, because let’s face it, most people think that dealing with you is like trying to nail jelly to the wall. It’s time to change.

Gemini

May 22–June 22

It would be good for you to remember this month that fate is when you find something you were never looking for and realise it’s everything you never knew you wanted. Also, that drunk people, children and leggings always tell the truth. Also, when life throws you a curveball, try to duck so it hits someone else. And if that doesn’t work, remember that everyone reserves the right to lie when the doctor asks how many drinks they have each week.

Cancer

Jun 23–Jul 23

Don’t you hate it when people ask you what you’re five-year plan is? This year, have some fun with it. Next time some one asks that question, tell them that you don’t know what you will be doing in five years time, as you don’t have 20/20 vision. As for your love life, dating you makes others want to be a better. So they can date better people. Aside from that, while winning isn’t everything rubbing it in the face of your enemy more important.

Leo

Jul 24–Aug 23

Going to the gym does not include three sets of selfies. The stars have also answered the question to why you suck at relationships. They have told me it is because your relationships go a little something like this: beginning of relationship — 1) Don’t ever change; 2) You have to change; 3) You’ve changed. At the end of the relationship, you might want to re-think that process for the next relationship you’re in. You have been warned.

Virgo

Aug 24–Sep 23

You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I’m telling you why — we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours. Oh, and Santa Claus is not real, neither is the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy, nor unicorn, yetis, Big Foot or aliens. You’d be good to take your head out of the clouds and join us back in reality this month before there’s an intervention for you being delusional. #justsaying

Libra

Sep 24–Oct 23

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer the term “selective participation”. Your selective participation in society this month will be… selective, and that’s okay. Your stars indicate that this month you’re just going to be in a rut. Grab your trackies, put on some popcorn, grab a glass of alcohol and enjoy the ride and spend the month imagining being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.

Scorpio

Oct 24–Nov 22

Your special talents include: jumping to the worst conclusion possible and worrying about that thing for hours. You have no one to blame but everyone else for every little issue that arrises. Remember, it is never your fault. However, in saying that you can’t control everything. Your hair was put on your head as a reminder of that. But don’t get upset over that, if you do that is just your body’s way of saying it needs more orgasms.

Sagittarius

Nov 23–Dec 21

Of course you have a cleaner more than most, you change it so damn often. Looking at the stars this month, it’s going to be a pretty shitty time for you, so to distract you from reality I am going to blow your mind by pointing out that  “okay” is a sideways person. Now that you are more focused on that and not the rest of this horror-scope, you’d do well to make sure all your affairs are in order. You know, just in case.

Capricorn

Dec 22–Jan 20

Your love life this month is somewhat laughable. You would do well to remember that making your partner or potential partner laugh is one of the keys to winning their heart, unless he or she is laughing at your junk. As for life, next time someone offers for you to hold their child, you should consider how many iPhone screens you’ve cracked before you do.

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