Mr Right, Zac Efron, and you
By: Matthew Csaborryi
Zac Efron. His name is known by virtually every gay man, and for obvious reason -“ or is it so obvious after all?
Ask any gay man what the source of Zac’s popularity is and you will probably get a response like because he’s hot!
But I’m not sure it’s so simple. After all, psychology reminds us how often we do not know all the reasons behind all that we truly think and feel. If it’s true that Zac’s popularity is based solely on his good looks, then why aren’t other Hollywood hunks as popular as he is?
I think Zac’s popularity has everything to do with the character he is most famous for playing: Troy Bolton (High School Musical). What makes this character so appealing is the way he treats his leading lady, Gabriella (Vanessa Hudgens).
Take a look at Troy and Gabriella’s relationship. Troy is the understanding boyfriend that every girl and gay guy would want -“ he is trustworthy, sincere, affectionate, committed and faithful. Troy is the ultimate Mr. Right.
Even when trust is broken in the relationship, after Gabriella overhears Troy saying things to his basketball team mates that undermine her, Troy accepts responsibility and delivers a heartfelt apology -“ without excuses.
That is what makes Zac (Troy) so darn popular. Troy Bolton is not perfect (he makes one huge mistake in every HSM movie). However, what separates him from most of us is that in each circumstance he reflects honestly on his behavior, and does what it takes to make things right.
I have only been -˜out’ and about for the last 18 months, but in that time I have used my skills as a budding psychologist to make some observations about us gay guys and our relationships. I have found that most men I have spoken to, deep down (sometimes very deep), want to find -˜Mr Right’.
So let’s all stop pretending that we don’t all want our -˜happily ever after’. Everyone -“ absolutely everyone wants to be loved unconditionally -“ and probably with a guy who has a lot of the traits that Zac Efron portrays in High School Musical.
The sad truth is that most men don’t believe that -˜Mr Right’ actually exists, and most people think that to live -˜Happily Ever After’ is an unrealistic expectation. But why is it unrealistic? After all, if you’re the perfect partner, why wouldn’t there be another perfect man out there for you?
People often don’t think this man exists because they are not that man themselves -“ thinking this way causes them to lower their standards of behavior and expectation, which in turn lowers their chances of finding their -˜Mr Right’.
While the perfect man may not exist, the qualities existent in the ultimate Mr Right are absolutely obtainable. Do you have it within yourself to display the qualities of an ultimate -˜Mr Right?’ Are you a person that -˜Mr Right’ would want to be with?
It’s definitely worth a look-see.
Matthew Csabonyi is a third-year psychology student
Just to let you know, I don’t want a happily ever after with a guy. In my opinion, there’s so much more out there than hetting married and having kids. What about chasing your dreams? I’m in HS and I’m fully commited to becoming the best singer/actress/dancer and I’m not gonna bother having a bytfriend cuz we would have to break up after HS cuz I would be too busy. I would be in all day rehersals, shows at night, never be home (always touring or traveling) after college. During college, I would be at a performing arts college, and I would live there and not have time for other things. I decided to figure out what’s important in my life and what goals I want to achive. And I want this for my life, so I’m gonna try to get it and forget the average getting married and having kids. I can do so much more and I am completely dedicated to it. You can’t be only half devoted to your dancing and stuff. It’s gotta be full commitment if you want it to be serious. I’m giving up sleeping in on Saturdays, one of my two day to sleep in, to go to early morning rehersals. And it’s okay with me. I need to be completely committed. I can’t let myself be half committed to a family that I will never see because of how busy I’ll be. I’ll have fun. I love performing and traveling, and I’ll be around people who are performing with me, so I won’t be lonely. And I’m not affectionate, so I’m not a big fan of having someone be affectionate. I love being on stage and there’s no other feeling like hundreds of people clapping for you and being in the spotlight. It’s what I want to do. Though I do think Troy and Gabriella are a very cute couple.
People really respond to feelgood platitudes don’t they. Well, that’s fine if it works for you.
Mother Helen accuses me of trying to intellectualise psychobabble, but if something doesn’t stand up to intellectualising (ie critical analysis) then it must surely be faulty in some way, right?
Of course psychologists treat people one on one, not in large groups: they’d never make any money otherwise.
QED
tHE FIRST TRULY READABLE NARRATIVE IN THE sso IN QUITE A LONG TIME AND PHIL HAS TO TRY INTELLTCTUALISING IT? oF COURSE IT’S ALL INDIVIDUALLY PSHY PSYCHOLOGICAL. Psychology is tailored for the individual so Phil’s assertion is incorrect. Counsellors (psychologists) and psychiatrists treat people one on one, not enmasse.
More please Matt.
Dingo Vobiscum.
I’m sorry Mike, but I disagree, I think psychology is no use in dealing with interpersonal relationships. Psychology generalises. I happen to think all people are individuals to the extent that they interact in a unique way depending on their unique personalities. That encompasses their individual needs and traits as of the exact point along the time line of their lives. The need/moment is too specific to be put in a box or labelled with jargon and new-age psychobabble. General stuff about “Mr Right” is Women’s Weekly circa 1965.
Psychologists want to help people but they are almost as hamstrung by their view of the world as “spiritual gay Christians”. It’s a mass movement of pushing shit uphill.
Great article! It is so great to see that the SSO has published such a decent piece. It would be great to see more psychology articles of sorts – Author Matthew, keep on writing!
Peter and Phil, i think you both misread the article completely – no where in the article does the author say that people should rely on anyone else for your own happiness. The point Matthew was making was that most people DO want to find their “Mr. Right”… And he even makes a point of saying that this man is NOT perfect, and that the perfect man does not exist, but that the QUALITIES that make up a “Mr. Right” are possible. In fact you’ve proven the author correct – most people do not think that “Mr. Right” exists. The author predicted your responses completely – BRILLIANT!
In short – great article and i want to read MORE psychology articles. SSO seriously, this is the first decent article i’ve read in a long time – definitely made me think, and encouraged me to reflect on my own behaviour. Thanks, Author Matt.
Mike.
hi guy’s,,,,i am heppy cause,,,,you my best friends and me funly but lov n sex beatiful every time
I agree with Peter Cross. Any guy who thinks in terms of “Mr Right” is setting himself impossible standards.
Very insightful matt.
Good to see someone has similar views as I. If one wants to have that relationship, they have to be that Troy so they can recieve the Troy that they want. Effort is necessary.
Keep up the good work.
I believe you have come a long way since st.George.
‘Mr Right’ as portrayed by Hollywood and Barbara Cartland is a fiction. The lie that each person needs someone else to ‘complete’ them has been pushed by the writers of Hallmark cards for the last century.
Are ‘gay guys’ really out there searching for this mythical man and do we all want some fantasy version of ‘happy ever after’? Seriously?
If we are constantly making our own happiness reliant on someone else then we will never be happy.
As for Zac Efron he is just another one in a long list of ‘IT’ boys; his character, Troy Bolton, has been market researched and tested to appeal to the ‘tweenies’, just another reworking of the Prince Charming fantasy.
You love someone because of their flaws not their perfections.
Matty,
Comments well said, not only for the gay community, but for the straight community also.
We should all look within ourselves to find that Mr or Mr’s Right, love ourselves, and love others.
Thanks for your insight!
Gen
Hi and thanks to everyone for commenting. Ryan i can only agree with you that selfishness is not a great quality to take into a relationship, and that for the best possible success in anything to do with other people (whether it be a relationship, partnership, friendship, or something else) both integrity, the ability to look at oneself honestly, and selflessness are necessary.
Thanks everyone for your lovely comments, it’s very much appreciated.
It’s true, people always expect a higher standard in others then what they set for themselves, great article
Matty aka Mr right
Totally the kind of optimism about finding love that people need to hear , and also completely true. I love that you give a voice for guys who are sick of being pooled in with the “Mr Wrongs” and want to find a compatible partner who will make them happy. A really well written article, even though I don’t especially knock-knees over the thought of Zac Efron myself, your overall message was appealing.
Well done :)
Ruby.
P.S. May I add that the message can also be applied to finding the Right Woman!
xx
Hi Matthew,
I believe that the most important thing that Gay men can to prepare themselves for relationship can be summed up by one thing :
ridding onself of narcissism.
The most unhelpful advice we have been given is that we must love ourselves before we can love another – & this is the justification gay men use for self-obsession. This is misleading : if you love yourself you cannot love another. Self-love is socially redundant & emotionally sterile.
A far more realistic model is to definitely regard yourself with care & respect, for sure, but reserve your love for another.
When we all stop thinking we are going to be the next Oz Idol, Top Model, SYTYCD winner, when we can stop mirror-gazing & try looking at someone else….then we will be in integrity when we ask for that in another man.
You can only love another man when you can demonstrate a willingness to sacrifice your own needs to support his. There is no other way to prove love.
A narcissist of course can never do this.
So here’s a new & empowering question:
When looking at a man that you are attracted we might ask ourselves “what would i be prepared to sacrifice to be in relationship with this guy?”
If the answer is nothing, then it may be are still thinking too much about ourselves.
Hoping there might be some people out there who recognise some truth in what i’ve said. My apologies if this comes across preachy but these comments are not glibly made. I’ve been thinking about this stuff for years.
Happy to hear others thoughts.
Matthew,
I read with interest where you write :
“Do you have it within yourself to display the qualities of an ultimate -˜Mr Right?’ Are you a person that -˜Mr Right’ would want to be with?”
That’s a valid question & i would like to offer my own insights.
The biggest work that gay men need to do to prepare themselves for relationship, in my opinion, is one thing:
rid oneself of narcissism.
The most unhelpful lie we have all been told is that you must love yourself before you can love someone else – & this is the excuse Gay men give themselves for self-obsession.
A far more workable model is – respect & care for yourself, definitely – but reserve your love for another. A narcissist can never truly love another, & therefore is not worthy of love themselves.
If gay men can stop thinking of themselves as the next Australian Idol, Top Model or SYTYCD contestant, if they can stop checking themselves in the mirror & try really looking at someone else………if they can stop desperately trying to love themselves – & just love someone else…..then we will all have more integrity when we ask this of other men.
My apologies if this sounds preachy, but i believe alot of people will recognise the truth in what i’ve said.
I found your comments interesting. I would probably add as well that the continuation of his relationship with his co-star off the screen, and the way he treats her (or at least appears to treat her) in that relationship also adds to his appeal, because it brings an element of truth to his performance.
Having said that, I personally am a huge Zac Efron fan, not a Troy Bolton fan. I’ve followed his career closely enough to know the difference – I hope. :)
Wow Matt, you are spot on, as usual, you can absolutely see right through people’s thought, great article^^
Great observations. I love a positive spin on how we ourselves can take control of our own situation to create a better one for ourselves.
Great job Matt!
I like your observations Matt…Bring us some more psychology based observations. ;)