Valentine’s Day is upon us so I’d like to take this opportunity to debunk five myths about lesbian love. By that I mean fucking.
Scissoring. I didn’t even know this was a thing until the Scissor Sisters came on the radio. I googled their name and discovered it referred to a lesbian sex act whereby two female participants try to chop each other in half using their legs as scissor blades. Kind of. I attempted it once. It was ridiculous. I’m sure some girls scissor to great effect, but I am not one of those crotch-interlocking ladies – nor are any of the lesbians in my Star Observer brains trust. Despite popular belief, it is not a common lesbian sexual practice. But don’t let that put you off.
Lesbian sex is soft and gentle. Bollocks. Well it is, sometimes. But it is sometimes aggressive and animalistic. It’s not like we don’t have sex with men because they’re too rough, we don’t have sex with men because they’re not women. Get it. Chicks can maul.
Women instinctively know how to get each other off. Nope, wrong. Just because you’re both girls, doesn’t mean you immediately know what she wants in bed. The physical terrain is familiar, but don’t assume that awesome thing you love is going to be her cup of tea. Give it a shot – confidence is hot. But it’s also hot, and incredibly educational, watching your lady attend to herself by way of example. Think of how much you like to communicate on Facebook and apply that enthusiasm to the bedroom. You’re bound to get a ‘like’.
Lesbians take on boy/girl roles in sex. Yes, occasionally. Some girls like to top and some girls like to bottom, but there are stacks who like to middle. The kind of chick a woman is attracted to can be anything from super femme to hardcore butch to androg to whatever. And despite what Paula Abdul says, opposites don’t always attract. It’s also silly to assume that the “butch” is going to dominate because I’ve been totally owned by chicks way girlier than me. Women switch and role reverse all the time – we’re very clever like that.
Lesbian porn is an accurate portrayal of lesbian sex. Haha. Have you seen it? Bleached blonde hair, fake boobs and long fingernails that’d make sex about as pleasurable as a night with Edward Scissorhands. I’m talking about the “lesbian” porn made by men for men. There is genuine queer stuff out there if you’re looking for it that’d probably scare the willies out of straight dudes.
Ladies, I’m sure none of this comes as a surprise. Just remember, when you’re preparing your lover’s Valentine’s Day gift, caution should always be taken when using scissors.