5: Polina Gagarina – A Million Voices (Russia)

This song may actually be the competition’s best ballad this year with the best female vocals. Polina’s voice is flawless and this song is incredibly powerful. It’s honestly absolutely amazing but alas, it’s Russia.

If Kinsey is to be believed and that one in 10 of the population is homosexual, then surely a much more appropriate name for this song would be 900,000 Voices, seeing as though there’s a good chunk of Russian population the government couldn’t give two shits about.

“Praying for peace and healing, I hope we can start again.” I’m sorry, Polina, I don’t know your politics and you shouldn’t necessarily be lumped in with your government’s endorsed abuse of LGBTI Russians, but also given Ukraine, your lyrics just come off as ironic garbage.

A song that serves the Russian propaganda machine almost perfectly, the video looks as though it may have well been directed and produced by the Australian Christian Lobby. If you ever wanted to see what a heterosexual pride parade would look like, look no further.

4: Aminata – Love Injected (Latvia)

Before you listen to Latvia’s effort this year, be sure to reacquaint yourself with last year’s Cake to Bake.

…Done? Haven’t torn out your ear drums? Good. Don’t even reach for some kind of musical sorbet palate cleanser. I want Animata to completely jar you with what can safely be described as a song rivalled only by 2012’s Suus in it’s oddness.

Love Injected is an original number to say the least but at least Aminata’s vocals are flawless. It’s just a shame the song itself doesn’t get anywhere or do anything. You aren’t bursting with pride, tapping your foot or anywhere near having your heartstrings pulled. It’s just…weird, and not the good kind.

3: Anita Simoncini & Michele Perniola – Chain of Lights (San Marino)

The tiny nation of San Marino finally proved they had another singer other than Valentina Monetta but after hearing this year’s sickly-sweet and overly-sentimental “effort”, Europe might just be asking her back next year.

I really hope the country enjoyed their first time in the grand final last year because it certainly isn’t happening again anytime soon. The video looks like it’s an ad for the first wave of smartphones to come to San Marino. Please watch, it’s just… something to behold.

2: Nadav Guedj  Golden Boy (Israel)

After the bright spark of hope that looked to be delivered pretty resoundingly with last year’s entrant (who unfortunately fell somewhat flat on the night) this year’s song is anything but what its title suggests. It is in no way golden, I’m afraid.

A song with a baffling and disorientating kaleidoscope of sounds and styles that ultimately lacks any inkling of appeal. Good luck next year, Israel.

1: Lisa Angell – N’oubliez Pas (France)

All France’s song has going for it this year is that it isn’t 2014’s fucking Moustache. Vocals are there, shame nothing else is.

2012’s absolutely awesome effort from Anggun aside, France… please go home. Run a nice douche (what? It’s French for “shower”). Take a good long hard look at yourselves in the mirror because if you continue down this road of poor to mediocrity, don’t be surprised if you see another revolution sometime soon.

RELATED: The best 20 songs of Eurovision 2015 (Part I)

RELATED: The best 20 songs of Eurovision 2015 (Part II – the top 10)

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