Grieving After The Death Of A Sexual Partner

Nearly twelve months after his death, a casual sexual partner’s dating profile still has his enticing photos smiling back at me from the internet.

Clive’s death has only recently become known to me. We lost contact when he began pursuing a man with whom he wanted a committed, monogamous relationship. A widower from a long-term, same-sex partnership, his life blossomed when friends encouraged him into online dating. 

Clive lived alone with his two small dogs and became a sexual host for scores of exploring gay and married men. Wine and cheese, friendly conversation, and the conviviality in the bedroom made him a most generous and welcoming host.

Living alone, he also had an arrangement that twice a day, he and an interstate friend would telephone each other to ensure all was well. When that fateful morning came with no telephone call received, his interstate friend alerted local friends. Consequently, they discovered the body, dead from an overnight heart attack. 

How Can I Grieve?

My only connection to Clive was as a sexual partner with only vague knowledge of his real-life friendships. Therefore, to confirm the suspected death, my only route was to an online man with whom we had had a fun threesome. He subsequently confirmed the passing and the brief background story that he knew.

The question now is how can I grieve? I know of no family connections. Because of the sudden and unexpected passing, I am too late to say a personal goodbye. Being late to discovering his death I couldn’t attend a funeral or Life Celebration. I know nothing of burial or cremation locations. 

But what I can do is have celebratory sex with my threesome friend where we can share stories, laugh a lot, drink a toast to our departed friend and cry happy tears that we had the opportunity of sharing enjoyable experiences with a like-minded man who openly befriended us. That’s definitely a gay approach to grief that I approve of.

Many sexually active gay and bi-men will know similar circumstances from their own lives – where we must grieve alone in the shadows and rely only on other sexual partners for information and support. 

And as for the ongoing online dating site presence, the question is about who is authorised to tell the webmaster, what proof is required, and most importantly, who would have access to his passwords.

These are unresolved issues still to be considered, not by the departed’s family but by his friends and lovers.