Something we often hear from opponents of LGBTI rights is that sexuality is a choice.
Some really mean to say that we could choose to lead a life of self-denial when it comes to sexual intimacy and romance so they don’t have to think about what we might get up to in our bedrooms.
For others, the existence of homosexuality undermines their faith. They just can’t accept that their God, who they freely accept makes people who are born blind and deaf, would make a person gay.
Deep down, it’s an admission that a supposed God of love who would create a person whose most sincere and satisfying emotions would condemn them to the fiery pits of hell doesn’t sound terribly like a God of love at all.
But for others still, when they say that sexuality is a choice, they are most likely telling us more about their own sexuality than anyone else’s.
The obvious question to ask when someone says that homosexuality is a choice, is ‘When did you choose to be heterosexual?’ — and clearly some did.
Even the most sophisticated brain scan cannot reveal what it would be like to sit inside someone else’s brain — we all make the mistake of assuming that other people experience things the same way we do.
People whose experience is that they have a choice over which gender to direct their sexuality towards are, by definition, bisexual.
Studies have shown that many homophobic men (but by no means all) become aroused when shown gay pornography.
Their homophobia is a way of stamping down the part of themselves they cannot accept and a proof of their heterosexual credentials. And if they have to stamp it down, everyone else should bloody have to as well.
It’s not surprising that some self-denying bisexuals might end up with a complex considering the stick they get from both sides of the fence.
All too often those of us who are solely same-sex attracted dismiss bisexuals because we once used their label when testing the waters with our own sexuality — or we ask them not to participate in our community when they are in opposite-sex relationships.
On the flip side, I have known bi guys whose gay-accepting straight relative have gone into meltdown when they have come out as bi.
“But you could choose to be normal,” they say — while for homophobes, you only need to have slept with one guy to be tainted.
The more people feel comfortable being open about their true sexualities, the happier we will be as a society and the fewer people there will be bottling stuff up inside, and lashing out at their own twisted reflections.
And that has to be good for everyone.
[…] contrasts arguments that reflect homophobia and biphobia. It was published in Star Online 20 September (yup, sorry for the delay […]
This whole thing is a quagmire – bisexuality implies that there are only two genders or two sexes, while, in reality, there is a gender spectrum and diverse physical representations of sex. In addition, why is it so wrong for sexual orientation to be a choice? I, as a bi/queer/pansexual woman, choose to be open to men, women, genderqueer people, etc. for dating, sex, and relationships, in addition to being “naturally” attracted to this spectrum of people. I feel lucky to have this choice and to be able to exercise it, despite most people misunderstanding my self-identification and assuming that I’m a lesbian. Shouldn’t that choice and openness be applauded rather than undermined for not being “natural”?
Great article. I got that. be yourself, come out no matter, gay, straight or bi….
Hi Readers,
I didn’t mean that bisexuals have a choice in which gender they are attracted to, I meant that some homophobic bisexuals who refuse to accept who they are may be choosing not to act on their same-sex attraction (how they direct their sexuality), and as a result, assume that other people can and should have to make the choice to do the same. That’s not a choice I’d recommend to anyone.
Hope that clears up any confusion,
-Andrew SSO
I really appreciate the sentiment behind this article – so much better than the usual “bisexual people are either gay or lying” rhetoric I read on GLBT opinion pieces.
However, I do have to agree with the above comment in that that this statement:
“People whose experience is that you have a choice over which gender to direct your sexuality towards are, by definition, bisexual.”
is inaccurate at best. Bisexual people are people who are attracted to either gender, period. Some people are more attracted to one sex than the other, but falling in love is never a choice for anyone. It just happens. So, I would omit the word “choice” completely from the discussion.
Bisexual people don’t choose either. That’s a pretty ignorant thing to write. One might choose to sleep with one side or the other, just as you might choose to sleep with a woman for some reason, but we absolutely do NOT choose who we are attracted to or who we fall in love with. It’s irresponsible (and yes, biphobic) to say that we do.