Loneliness is something we all feel from time to time. It can a be a crushing feeling with a deep sense of emptiness. It happens when we feel disconnected to others even when surrounded by the mob. We hanker for people to ‘get us’, ‘know what we are about’, ‘understand our humour’, ‘love us for the good and the bad’ and ‘just be there’. Now that doesn’t seem such a hard ask in a big place like Sydney but it is so don’t take it personally, okay?
It is also easy to become lonely in relationships when it is perceived the other no longer communicates, sees, listens or validates. The surprising thing is that you usually find both partners feel lonely. Learning simple skills can do wonders to eradicate loneliness in coupledom. Ask this question often: “How is our relationship going, do you think?” This simple question gives the other permission to get it out in the open.
Being single can be tough and feelings of being alone are easily experienced. We all know that, in Sydney particularly, if you don’t keep ringing for a night out nothing seems to happen. It is a constant effort to organise to see people and you sometimes get the feeling if you dropped off your perch no one might notice you are at the bottom of the cage.
Okay, it is time to stop feeling sorry for ourselves. We know Sydney can be a tough gig unless you are a performing seal at social functions. In my opinion, Melbourne and other places in Australia are easier places to survive socially. People in Sydney don’t like to be surprised by you knocking on their doors saying, “Hi just popped in for a cuppa”.
So the environment we live in determines our feelings of loneliness. Couples create environments that create loneliness and single people can just be in difficult places on the globe that make staying happily social very hard. Taking either of these scenarios personally means you are bashing yourself up needlessly. It is not all about you okay, because you are a great person to hang with, even top drawer given the right circumstances. The problem is the environment you are in.
You know that old adage, “You are born alone and you die alone”? Well, if you think about it your whole experience through life is only from your perception of it. So you live life from inner you. So what can you do with that? Well get some great new music, grab some books, see a movie, go to yoga, gym, whatever you fancy as having a deep relationship with yourself will paradoxically make you feel less lonely.
TV will make you lonely but reading a book will not because you are involved in the process of obtaining meaning. So do some good stuff with wonderful old you.
The bonus in having a great relationship with yourself is that others will find you even more fascinating when they meet you. So it is a win, win situation to relieve loneliness. Those of you with partners and are feeling lonely seek help to break down those barriers by learning simple skills to feel heard and validated.
I am considering running a four week men’s group on loneliness and if you decide to come you can meet others looking for genuine friendship in scary, private Sydney. We will have some fun. Drop me an email and I will explain the format to you. Take care.
Gerry North is a gay couple and general counsellor and can be contacted at [email protected] or gaycounselling.vpweb.com.au
