I’m not a fan of reality TV—Shark Tank, Queer Eye, Catfish, ANTM, Rupaul’s Drag Race and What Would You Do aside—but I do occasionally watch dating shows like Britain’s First Dates.

If you’re unfamiliar with the fly-on-the-wall series, the premise is simple: two strangers, matched by producers, meet for dinner in a restaurant and well, yeah, that’s kind of it.

Good-natured and refreshingly sincere, First Dates is the only dating show to adequately feature LGBTIQ+ couples (I just Googled that to see how wrong I am and it turns out there’s another inclusive show called Dinner Dates which one viewer describes as being “shot on a budget of about £3.80” so you already know what my new favourite show is).

Anyway, I figured if I made it onto the Australian rendition which is currently casting, it’d make for an entertaining read (the lengths I’ll go to bring you material), so after filling out my basic details, here’s what I wrote:

I am interested in:

Women. (But mostly a good story.)

How would you describe yourself in a sentence?

I would describe myself as a free-spoken hippy who is self-assured, passionate and mindful. (I’m a conceited asshole.)

What in your life are you most proud of?

The person I’ve become. (Having gone this long without a colonoscopy. I have bowel issues.)

What would you say is your most irritating quality to others?

Thinking I know better. (Thinking everyone is gay.)

Have you ever participated in online or social media dating?

Yes. (I’m confused; how else do people meet?)

If yes, what is/was the outcome? Give details.

Met some lovely people, two of which I ended up dating long-term. Also, met a lot of questionable characters but no regrets; they all make for an entertaining story now. (Oh my God, so many regrets.)

What are your hobbies and interests?

Stand-up comedy, feminism, arthouse cinema, veganism, self-development, writing and reading. (These would indeed be my hobbies and interests if I weren’t watching tiny house tours on YouTube every single day.)

Do you speak any languages besides English?

Conversational Auslan. (More lies. The only word I can remember how to sign is ‘lesbian’.)

What have you not found but would like to in your dating life?

At this stage, I’m looking for both an intellectual and sexual connection. (i.e. I want to not fuck morons.)

How many serious relationships have you been in and how long were they? What happened to end these relationships?

I’ve had four serious relationships that ranged from one to five years in duration. I would say I wasn’t mature enough to ensure they’d be healthy or long-lasting. (I was batshit crazy.)

Have you ever been married?

No. (Once, in my mind, to actor, Wentworth Miller when I was 17.)

Do you have any children?

No. (Thank God.)

Are you the only person in your family who is single?

No. (And how is this relevant?)

Please describe your ideal partner in terms of physical attraction and personality.

My ideal woman would be a nonconformist who is creative, spiritual, funny, self-aware, empathic and smart with a high sex drive. She would be a masculine or androgynous woman of colour who values trust, integrity and the legacy of Missy Elliott. (Facts.)

What is a deal breaker for you when looking for a partner?

I cannot date people who are pessimistic, materialistic, rude, religious or lacking in self-awareness. (Also, people who don’t pick Miranda as their favourite.)

What is the worst date you have ever been on?

That’s hard; I’ve had so many. There was the self-proclaimed “prodigy” who came over and in the space of 20 minutes had two separate panic attacks before proceeding to pull out his dick (apropos of nothing) and masturbate on my bed while I stared, wide-eyed at my phone. Then there was the woman who criticised every aspect of the date I had meticulously planned. (And by ‘woman’, I mean, my ex-girlfriend, ugh.)

Do you have a secret which would be hard to confess to your partner?

No, I’m an open book. (I’m literally sharing my application for a dating show. I have no shame.)

Applicants were then asked to attach a short video of themselves describing their best date which, at the time, would’ve required me to get out of bed, and maybe wash my face… so I never submitted the application. (Look, there’s only so much I’ll do for the story.)

Here’s hoping Channel 7 will cast other androgynous or masculine queer women of colour.

I’m kidding. Here’s to more white, femme lesbian representation in 2019. I can’t wait.

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