The Art Of The Douche

The Art Of The Douche
Image: Unsplash

“The Art of the Douche” – it’s a topical title that works on a couple of different levels because 1), there is indeed an art to the act of douching! Practice makes perfect but also 2), you have to be particularly artful in the field of douchebaggery to be known amongst the population colloquially  as a ‘Douche’ or, “Douchebag” if you will.

The LGBTQI+ community has been getting a bit of homophobic heat recently and particular poop related comments featured in the news cycle last month highlighted the fact that some in the heterosexual world’s scat focussed minds are apparently oblivious to the fact that personal hygiene is a choice we get to make! 

Gird your loins!

So for anyone who is new to the wonderful world of douching, the initial, confronting explanation of how the practice all works is a little disconcerting and might make the prospective anal novice consider a career as a top or a side-way less muss and fuss!

But if you can switch off that voice that says you look ridiculous trying to manoeuvre yourself into a position that allows easy access to one of those more difficult-to-reach crevices, the art of gently pushing warm water into your rectum offers a piece of mind for those concerned about someone bumping into something in the hallway.

 A few tips and tricks when it comes to preparing yourself for the internal gurney.

Number one is – don’t use a gurney! Just kidding, that is one awkwardly long and rigid trigger handle! 

But seriously, there are a number of suitable aids you can purchase to assist with the practice – gone are the days of filling up an empty soft drink bottle! 

Enema Bulbs are probably the most common and safest option for the occasional douche – they are made of a reusable rubber bulb with a nozzle on the end that gets inserted but keep an eye out for a bulb with a flexible tip! The rigid plastic ones can be a little stabby.

Enema Bags are similar to the bulbs but seem more an old-worldly type of solution – they come with tubes and hosing and nozzles and hooks (and ropes and pulleys and poles oh my!) for that overwhelming, complicated gravity fed douching experience.

Bulbs and Bags? BAH!

If you’re a power player who grew out of bulbs or bags years ago, a Shower enema may be the way to go though again, there are some very important things to take note of when going down this track. DO NOT insert the Shower enema – a thin hose installed and fed directly from the mains shower pressure – before you turn it on or you could find yourself feeling extremely full, very quickly. 

You’d also want to check the temperature of the water before inserting said hose or you could bring new meaning to the words ‘hot to trot’.

Now is probably also a good time to remind you, dear reader, that you don’t have to be a gay man to enjoy the cornucopia of treasures that are yours to explore that exists down yonder… a little bit further… there you go!

Straight couples, lesbian couples, and non-binary throuples do it. Sassy singles and trapeze artists do it – maybe educated fleas do it! Because the beauty of the butt is that it can fit all different shapes and sizes in there, kinda like Mary Poppins’ magic carpet bag – please do not attempt to insert a carpet bag. 

The Art of the Douche – it might be overkill 

Is douching even necessary though? 

Despite recent dark and uninformed mutterings down at the lathe in the a.m., the human rectum is extremely efficient at keeping things high and dry until it’s called upon to do its thing, and if you pay attention to what your body is saying and the timing of your processes, it is possible to play around up there without it ending in, oh let’s say tears.

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One response to “The Art Of The Douche”

  1. An excellent article! Isn’t it about time that society acknowledged explicitly that the anus/rectum is a sex organ and not only for gay men in our era but by people everywhere and – as far as we can see – at all times in history. One US study (doi: 10.1007/s10461-016-1295-z) for example, reports that 36% of women and 44% of men between the ages of 25-44 years) report having had heterosexual interourse so, contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to be a poof to sample these delights. It also suggests that the incidence is on the rise, although increasing rates might only mean people are feeling more comfortable reporting this behaviour. Good for them…