Oh come, all ye asses

Now I realise I’ve been known to be a cynical queen. I can’t help it.

As a rule, I don’t trust people. Trust is earned. And it’s not uncommon to be left underwhelmed. But I don’t project sarcastic negativity about everything in sight. I don’t feel the need to criticise whatever happens to be ‘mainstream’ at the time.

Yet many do. You know the ones – the armchair cynics, professional whingers, and ‘alternative thinkers.’ The resident fucking experts on everything.

Or as I like to call them; arrogant, self-absorbed sceptics (ASS)

The ASS is usually a serial letter writer, and often moonlights as a forum troll. Prone to uncontrollable and vacuous urges to be contrary, the ASS will tell you they don’t watch TV, but is secretly hooked on Gossip Girl. They’ll condemn anything to do with Oxford St or ‘the scene’ and yet frequent the place. After a night out, the ASS often indulges an ever-burgeoning ego with snide online remarks, promptly followed by a letter to the editor.

“The scene is dead. Trashy twinks, bitchy drag queens, the staff have attitude and the drinks are overpriced.”

Hmm … perhaps instead of pontificating from your cyber-perch, you could open your own venue? An intimate little wank-fest where you can schmooze with your contemporaries, sip chardy, and debate the finer points of existentialism.

If I got a little warm and fuzzy during Oprah’s visit, deal with it. I’ll never become a jaded old lush, sneering at the world from behind my monitor. Never!

Thanks everyone for tuning into this space this year. I hope that judgemental old fat dude in the red suit is good to and you have a safe and silly festive season.

And so, I shall continue to dance to Kylie and vocal house. And in addition to writing about the more pressing issues in 2011, I plan to keep chatting about iPhones, celebs and generally all the things the ASS claims to abhor. The pink pop culture people enjoy. And this may or may not include Mariah’s new Chrissy album. I hear it’s a must for a very gay Christmas.

Go on, you know you want to.

By DAMIEN STEPHENS