‘I’ve dated one man in my entire life who was truly lovely and he turned out to be gay’

So I guess I’m seeing someone? Is that the term you use for a Friends with Benefits situation? I dunno. It’s all new territory for me.

I mean, when I was young and trying way too hard to be a Samantha, I did Fuck Buddies.

Dudes would come over to my place, we’d re-enact the opening scene of Bridesmaids, then they’d leave and I’d cry into my journal.

I did Serious Relationships after that but they weren’t any better.

“You do not know how many, like, dementors and slugs and weirdos I’ve dated,” Hannah says to Sandy in Girls and that pretty much sums up that experience for me.

But this person… this person is different.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised by that given I now have standards and self-worth but it’s still a little unnerving.

This person is nice, ya’ll. Like really nice. Not only do they turn up to dates, they turn up to dates sober and on time, wearing clean clothes with money in their possession.

Guys, that’s not all. They also reply to my text messages and hold my hand in public.

They even ask me questions like, “What’s your assignment on?” and “How was work?” and usually this is followed with more questions almost as if they’re interested and listening.

Yo, did y’all know that was a thing? That you could be more than just a sounding board for the other person’s thoughts and ideas? It’s wild!

My FWB also says nice things to me like, “Can’t wait to see you,” or “Had such a great time with you last night. I really like spending time with you,” and they do this regularly and of their own volition.

Did I mention they’re also really well-adjusted? Like almost suspiciously so?

It’s a challenge because honestly I don’t yet know how to relate to someone who isn’t tripping over their own dysfunction, who isn’t like a pathological liar or an addict or a depressive.

“Seriously though, what are your flaws?” I eventually had to ask them.

“I’ve got things I need to work on.” They smiled.

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, but what are they?”

“Well, I can be a bit of an over-sharer. You know I tend to send you these long text messages…”

I stared at them incredulously. Long text messages? Are you fucking kidding me?

“Do you even have childhood trauma?” I asked.

“Hmm, nothing that hangs over me or that I can remember.” They shrugged.

I shook my head. What a freak.  

I’m kidding, of course. It actually feels really good to be involved with someone who’s kind and has their shit together.

It feels good unlike the guy who made me pay for everything for over a year or the guy who asked me to hide in the bushes when he spotted his old crush approaching or the guy who cheated on me with his co-worker or the guy who invited me over and then ignored me all night in favour of Chatroulette or the guy who wouldn’t kiss or look at me during sex or the guy who harassed me for three months because I wouldn’t go on a second date with him or the guy who dumped me on Valentine’s Day or the guy who lashed out when I refused to have sex with him or the guy who choked me without my consent or the guy who ignored me when I asked him to stop.

Yes, most of my shitty relationships have been with men.

With the exception of my ex-girlfriend, I feel like women just aren’t as horrible. At least not in my experience.

The worst thing I can say they do is talk a lot about their exes.

Often with a chick I’m left thinking, ‘Does she want a kiss or a shoulder to cry on? Are we hooking up or processing her last relationship?’ But like that’s it. That’s as bad as it gets (again, ex-girlfriend notwithstanding).

Which is why when I meet other female bisexuals who say they’re 50/50 in terms of gender preference, I’m like, how? Why? Women are so much nicer.

Maybe on a good day, if I haven’t had any dealings with men, I’d say I’m 80/20 but most of the time I’m like, ‘Where is my lesbian separatist commune?’

In fact, often I think the only reason I even date men is because I don’t know where all the gay women are (though my money’s on at home with their girlfriends watching Russian Doll).

Seriously, I’ve dated one man in my entire life who was truly lovely and he turned out to be gay.

Anyway, it’s still early days with the FWB. In fact, we haven’t even had sex yet but I mean, they’re coming over tomorrow night and so far so good, right?

UPDATE: Goddammit.

Zo Watt is a work-in-progress. She studied Professional Writing and Editing at university and was a selection panellist for the Melbourne Queer Film Festival for  five years. Zo hopes to one day sit fourth row centre at the Oscars and publish the novel she has yet to write. Be one of the exclusive few to follow her on Instagram @zo.watt.