One of the funny things about life as an occasionally slutty gay man in Sydney is that sooner or later, you’re going to be caught doing something slutty, by someone you know.
It’s inevitable; perhaps even a rite of passage. You’ll be doing a desultory wash’n’wank in the showers at the gym and a casual acquaintance will walk past.
Or you’ll send a photo of your bare arse to someone you’re chatting to on Gaydar, only to find out that they’re in fact your ex-boyfriend’s new boyfriend (for example).
Or you’ll be racing off some really-not-very-hot-but-you-were-horned-up-so-you-figured-to-hell-with-it guy at the sauna, and your best friend will suddenly appear, looking shocked and appalled on your behalf.
It’s Murphy’s law, played out at its painful, most embarrassing and exquisite best.
When you’re in a situation like that -“ those times when you wish the earth could just swallow you up whole -“ there are only a couple of courses of action you can take.
You can pretend the incident never happened, which is a dangerous strategy because it requires the complicity of the other person, and we all know what smirking bitches gay men can be. Or you can just shrug your shoulders and say to yourself: So-and-so saw me acting like a slut. So what? Life will go on.
I know it doesn’t sound very comforting. But what makes it bearable is the certain knowledge that sooner or later, most of us get caught in a compromising position.
Someday or other, we all find ourselves doing something rash and ill-advised, because the little voice in the brain in the head of our penis thought it sounded like a hot idea at the time.
There are always a few exceptions to this rule, sure. There will always be those monogamists, celibates and purity freaks rubbing their wholesome ways in our dirty faces, but I like to think that we -“ the Sometime Sluts of Sydney -“ have got the numbers on our side.
And we can take comfort from the fact that there is a sense of understanding among us, perhaps even a feeling of camaraderie.
Sure it’s embarrassing to be sprung acting like a bit of a slut -“ but ultimately, it’s all part and parcel of gay life in the Emerald City of Oz. So if you’re feeling mortified because you’ve been caught out doing something naughty recently, relax, and join the club.