Reality television is a scourge. It tells us what not to wear, what not to eat, what not to do unless you want to be ridiculed by millions.
Nevertheless, there’s a gap in the market. Men’s hair, to be precise. When the New York Times writes, The Mohawk Becomes, Well, Cute, it’s time to take a stand. Not just any stand, mind you. This requires a team of highly trained operatives, a big black truck and a TV network willing to make a concerted effort to rid the world of tricky male hairdos.
Many men wisely choose to dismiss a receding hairline with a number-one clipper retort. Still, the world is heaving with other blokes who disgrace their own blessing by trying to get creative.
Peroxided, gelled, tweaked, smushed. Scrunched is another favourite. What the hell is going on? More to the point, how can we stop it?
Enter Hostage Makeover. It would be a saviour to everyone trapped in a relationship with the perfect guy, apart from his blonde streaks, or friends who can’t bring themselves to tell their mate he looks like a total idiot with that up-do.
You know the one I’m talking about. Everyone knows a bloke with a really, really stupid hairdo. Why?, you scream in silence. Well, HM is beautifully simple. You dob in your tragically mal-coiffured mate, a big screw-you truck arrives, a team of heavies emerges and he’s bundled into the back. For purposes of televisual excitement, there’s probably a bit of Oh no, he needs help! banter, then they pull out the clippers, shave his head, tell him he looks fabulous and deposit him where he was rescued.
In one fell swoop, the world is blessed with one less man who feels the need to express himself through hair product.
Of course, it speaks of a vexing issue: men’s grooming and its unstoppable growth. For decades, women have been made to feel insufficient and insecure because of their looks. Now it’s our turn.
Don’t do it, I say. You look ridiculous with that little bulletproof fin. Get a decent haircut and be a man. It’s still possible.
Just not with a neo-mullet.