The year in politics.

John Howard will resign; Tony Blair will resign; Margaret Thatcher will fall off her perch and die. Hilary Clinton will emerge as the frontrunner for Democratic Party pre-selection for the US presidency in 2008.

The reign of Queen Clover will continue. Julia Gillard will become the new leader of the opposition. Peter Costello, Tony Abbott and Malcolm Turnbull will all throw their hats into the ring for the Liberal leadership. It’ll get messy.

The year in celebrity.

Princess Mary will get pregnant again; Courtney Love will get arrested again; and despite our best intentions, we’ll all get hooked on Big Brother again.

Michelle Leslie will pose for Ralph. Lleyton Hewitt will run off with Angelina Jolie. Bec Cartwright will then sell the story to New Idea. John Brogden will tell his story to 60 Minutes.

The year in sport.

Australia will come out on top of the medal tally after the Commonwealth Games. Nobody will care much. Australia will get kicked out of the World Cup after the first round. We’ll all pretend to be completely devo about it.

Ian Thorpe will launch a brand of eyeliner for men, and once again confirm his heterosexuality.

The year in news.

Kylie Minogue will go shopping. The Bali Nine will become the Bali Five. The war will continue. Random acts of terrorism will continue. There will be no cure for AIDS, cancer or the Greenhouse Effect: in short, the world will continue to go to hell in a handbasket.

Prince Harry will continue to act like a dickhead. The Spice Girls will announce a comeback.

The year in gay.

Brokeback Mountain will win the Oscar for best film and Philip Seymour Hoffman will win the Oscar for best actor for his role in Capote. After his appearance in Superman Returns, Ian Roberts will move to Hollywood.

Canberra will become the new gay travel hotspot after the introduction of gay civil unions. The bickering between Rodney Croome and the heads of gay organisations in New South Wales will continue. Someone will start up a hot, happening, successful lesbian nightclub in Sydney.

The Montr? Outgames will be a ripsnorting success, while the Chicago Gay Games will be only a modest one. Gay men will move on from quoting Little Britain and start quoting Catherine Tate instead. The lesbian baby boom will continue.

And lastly, and very much bestly, 2006 will be the year when Madonna finally performs at the Mardi Gras party.

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