My mates and I have a theory. If you see a woman on the street and think she might be a lesbian, she’s either (a) a lesbian, (b) a German, (c) a Christian or (d) a bit outdoorsy.
And it’s not just Birkenstocks and high shorts that make German, Christian and a-bit-outdoorsy women look like they might be on the lesbo team. There is something about their practicality, their short hair, their general air of capability.
It makes a trip to Germany a very confusing experience, as I recently discovered. My hazy memories from a hot night at a kickin’ Berlin Frau Party have somehow gotten mixed up with my hazy memories from a hot night at a bizarro mixed naked sauna in Baden Baden. I find myself asking my memory strange questions: Were all of those lesbians really sitting around naked? And what were those naked footy players doing at a women’s bar? Ah, Deutschland.
This whole column does, of course, leave me open to what does a lesbian/ German/ Christian/ outdoorsy woman look like, you freaking idiot, outrage. Yes, yes, I acknowledge that dykes, like straight women -“ be they German, Christian, a bit outdoorsy or all three -“ look like princesses, princes, women-next-door and every other possible thing there is for a woman to look like.
Anyway, the phenomenon of confusing German women and lesbians is not just a thing among me and my dickhead mates. There’s even an internet game devoted to the subject. It’s called, of course, Lesbian Or German Lady? and it’s found at http://www.blairmag.com/blair4/dyke.
Lesbian or German Lady? is a follow-up to Blair’s previous game Gay Man Or Eurotrash?, which is another chance to lump badly dressed straight Europeans in with the gay community. Both are terribly non-PC, and both are a fantastic waste of at-work time. In Lesbian Or German Lady? the participant is given a series of pictures of women, often wearing high shorts, sun visors or bum bags, and the punter has to try and guess whether they are lesbians or German ladies (their word). It’s not as easy as it sounds. For example, the woman wearing high shorts and a backpack AND a bum bag? Lesbian. The gorgeous short-haired woman inexplicably wearing baggy black parachute pants tucked into a baggy black possibly parachute material’d shirt? German lady.
There’s even a trick question, with a picture of a woman who is neither German, because, as the commentators say, she lacks that stern industrial sheen, or lesbian, because of her outfit -“ a sleeveless white blouse matched with kind of floral pants and white pumps. As the Blair gamemaster says: Even a poorly dressed lipstick would never wear that combo. And that’s saying something.