I’ve got a dyke mate who was on the horns of a horny dilemma recently. She was freaking out because the guy she’d been chatting to on Gaydar had gotten a bit keen and wanted to meet her.

The problem? He didn’t know she was a she. My friend had made up a man’s profile, submitted a good-but-not-unbelievable picture of a porn star, and spent several weeks chatting to horned-up gay guys -“ which, when you think about it, is a fairly strange thing for a lesbian to do.

For the sake of credibility, that added touch of verisimilitude (good word, that), she’d given her made-up man a large penis rather than an extra large one.

I feel really guilty about it, she confided to me recently. It just started as something funny, and it’s ended up in a mess.

My advice to her was just to disappear: stop replying to the poor sod’s messages and preferably, stop logging on to Gaydar.

But I had to ask her: what was she doing on Gaydar in the first place? Why was she posing as a sodomite?
She had her reasons.

As a lesbian, I’m totally denied access to something like that, she said. If you go on to Gaydar Girls, no-one is up for anonymous gallivanting; it’s all really serious.

When I pressed her on the subject, she also admitted to a certain kink value she got from what she was doing. And, she added, she found it amusing -“ particularly when she spotted the profiles of her gay male friends.

It’s not as though my friend is alone in what she’s done, and it’s not as though she’s the only lesbian in town who’s kinda interested in the murky mysteries of gay male sexuality. I don’t know how many conversations I’ve had with horrified, wide-eyed lesbians about things like saunas and threesomes and the relative merits of foreskins. I’m not saying that all dykes are fascinated by the mechanics of how gay men get it on (many are just left disgusted by the thought -“ a reaction I can certainly appreciate), but some dykes do seem to display a fleeting kind of envy (paging Doctor Freud!) of gay male sex. And it’s not just dykes: some straight women and straight men show it too.

I don’t really know what this envy is about, but I suspect the most appealing thing about gay sex to those who aren’t gay men is its sense of ease and immediacy. It’s partially a stereotype, of course -“ try talking about the ease and immediacy of gay sex to a disgruntled queen who hasn’t had a root in six months -“ but in many ways, it’s the easiest thing in the world to interest gay men in sex.

Thankfully, my dyke mate gave up on her masquerade as a hot Gaydar dude. Maybe what she was doing was ultimately just completing a karmic circle: you see, several months before logging on to Gaydar as a boy, she’d set up a date with someone she’d chatted to on Gaydar Girls, only to discover when she met them in the flesh that her date was an interloping straight man obsessed with lesbian sex.

And so the karmic circle of dysfunctional behaviour goes on! Life’s great in the age of the internet, isn’t it?

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